New Year's Evil

Tomorrow is the day I dread most all year. Not tax day, not my birthday - tomorrow. This will be 5 years I've had to endure the agony of New Year's Eve, maybe it will be the last time. If things go like they have in past years, I'll be drinking my breakfast and then all day long from there just keep drinking. I have zero want to be awake when the clock hits 12, the memories are just too much.

While I was sitting here I was thinking about how much people say "I couldn't do without" - add your own suggestion here. You know, it's really all b.s. Yes, you **can** do without things. I look at all I had - a Harley, a car, nice new furniture, a 51" TV, all of that crap. And I've done without all of it for a month now almost. I left back East & didn't get into Vegas until December 4th due to the snow storm in the central u.s. states. But I've done without, and really don't miss it.

I miss 1 things in life: Michele, & her family. Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam:27, said "Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all." If he knew Michele - loved, then lost her, he'd have never written those words.

Here's a few more Vegas pics before I close this out for the year:

New York, New York


The Stratosphere


Do I need to tell you?


The Wynn Hotel Events Sign

Gutter to the Grave Tour '08

On Xmas eve I had a surprise....I went to the emergency room at one of our fine hospitals here in Las Vegas. I wound up in the emergency room having had a seizure. It seems my alcohol intake was far too much for my body to bear. What can say? This is the hardest part of the year for me & I really, really didn't want to feel the pain. I satrted teh evening with a few bottles of wine and then headed for the Luxor. And I will admit topicking up a 40 ouncer before I got thereat a local store. From there, I just kept drinking until I decided to walk outside and have a cigar.

I got outside the Luxor and hit the floor, some bypasser had called the amubulance. When I woke up I had the saline drip in my arm (which I removed) and was told they wanted to do more tests. I declined. I wasn't going through the whole liver disease thing with yet another doctor. I never filled out the paperwork so they can bill me. What would be the use? I have no job, no permanent address and no hope of having one in the near future. I was going to apply for low income housing, but I found out from the housing authority website that section 8 housing applicaions are no longer being accepted. Well, it's nice to know I'm not the only one who's so screwed out here.
LEaving the hospital, I walked out in the street and found a store (and a bottle) to satisfy me. I'd had a few blackouts before, but seizures - never. The end is nigh - and I'm ready.

Final Thoughts Before Xmas

It's 55 degrees outside, not feeling much like Christmas in terms of temperature or emotions. This will be my last post before Tuesday, tomorrow I have plans to self sedate. I have an appointment with 2 bottles of wine and some 151, that should do it I think. It makes me wonder though, if some of my former classmates read my blog and say to them selves " I knew this was going to happen to him" or they just rejoice in my hardship. I know some of them don't, I know their names - they've emailed me. To the ones I've contacted and they haven't emailed back - I can only assume they're enjoying this. At least I can still be comic relief to some people.

I can't express enough my gratitude to those who chose to contact me on their own. I didn't realize anyone really cared, which is why I guess I have so much disappointment towards those who were close to me in high school and are now turning a blind eye to me. I wasn't always a good friend to a lot of people, but that's why I emailed them - to apologize. And yet they couldn't respond with anything. I guess sometimes it doesn't pay to have a conscious, and just when I finally found out I had one.

To those of you that are in relationships that aren't quite what you want them to be - hang on, try to work it out. The saddest thing you can be in life is someone like me. Look at your husband, wife, and kids and just remember there's someone out there that gave everything to have that life back - and lost it all. I have the receipts and bills to prove it. I don't know of anyone who's fallen so far so fast, and who really doesn't care anymore.

I guess I believed the movie fairy tail that if you broke up and got yourself together that things would come back around - not true. But just because it didn't happen for me doesn't mean it can't happen for others. I wouldn't wish one second of the last 6 years on anyone - period.

But then I have the upside. I've taken control of my destiny/fate, and not a lot of people can say that. They live within societal norms in the comfort zone. I, on the other hand, took the road less travelled, and maybe even unmarked at all. For once in my life I proved I had balls - big ones.

And what a better place to be in the winter months than Vegas? With temps from the 60's to 70's in the winter months it's a paradise. It's an adult version of Disneyland - it's the Devil's Playground. So much to see & do it's awe inspiring & breath taking all at the same time. If you've got to exit this life - this is the place to do it in.

I've meet some nice people while I've been here - all types, professionals, blue collar, white collar, and no collar. Tortured spirits and free spirits alike. The coming to better themselves and those coming to escape themselves. But I think each one of us that's here - regardless of lifestyle, all want the same thing - relief from whatever it is that haunts us. Be it a bad job, ex wife, crushing debt, ex girlfriend, or just a lifetime full of bad memories.

I am, at last - home. These people don't see me as homeless, just as one of them. Maybe they see a little bit of me in themselves, and I likewise. As the saying goes - "Que Sera Sera".

Merry Christmas All

More Vegas Pictures

This is home - The Luxor. Notice the light beam behing the sphinx, it's from the pyramid.

The Luxor

The Luxor Again!

A Lamborghini @ Caesar's Palace

The King, Ladies & Gentleman!

I have more that I can post, but in the effort to keep this page faster loading I decided not to put more up right now. More to come!

Vegas Pics....

Since it's cold outside I decided to post a few pics I have from here in Vegas....

The Hard Rock - Yeah Baby!!!



The Golden Nugget

The Eiffel Tower

The Aladin Hotel

1 Million US Dollars

Heavy Hands - Heavy Heart

I've been hanging here in the cyber cafe for a few hours, I wanted to get out my Christmas ecards. I can barely type to be honest. For the last week or so my hands have been swollen when I wake up, and sometimes painful to close into a fist. I'm guess this has nothing to do with my liver, so I just ignore it. Even if it did, I'd still ignore it.

Sending out the ecards just reminded me of what time of year it is - the "Helladays". Christmas is just a few days away and it's really starting to wear me down emotionally. All I can think about is what could have been, and what will never be again. I will say I have felt somewhat worse. For me just going cold turkey off my meds I don't feel that bad. I'm more edgy, but the withdrawal wasn't that bad. Then again, with as much as I drink I'm probably less prone to noticing.

I promised myself that by the end of the weekend that I'll have some photos posted of Vegas. One of the few things I have left to my name is my digital camera, and I have no intention of losing that. I'll lose my mind long before I lose that camera - guaranteed.

It's cold out there today, only going to hit 47 today. Well, at least it's not snowing. I still haven't decided on a plan of attack for Christmas yet. I really don't want to be awake for any of it. then I have to deal with New Year's Eve - which is even worse yet. It's bad when you don't feel numb anymore, it's all just pain. I feel as if I was born without skin - everything hurts. But the solace that I have is that one day this will all end, and I can be free from it.

Great Reward?

After a few drinks and hanging with the locals at the Luxor bar, something ironic was mentioned. Someone said "With great risk comes great reward." Ok, maybe so, but it got me to wondering - where the f**k is my reward? I mean, I don't want to sound greedy...but am I not owed something? I put everything in my life on the line in 2004 and came up snake eyes - lost the farm and the ground it set on.

And then the reality comes, I knew this could/probably would happen. Even if things changed and I was reunited with my love, what would I have to offer other than love? A life with nothing left but working to pay off creditors? Who wants that? But dammit, I worked so freakin' hard for a lot of years to get that right to honestly offer what I didn't offer before - my all. And that's all I have left.

If I died tomorrow I'd be nothing but a speck of fly sh*t in the book of life. A nothing, nobody, someone with no redeeming qualities. But I guess maybe subconsciously that's why I'm here in Vegas. I'd be nothing more than another statistic in a city that swallows people whole & spits them out. A guy I knew in high school had a shirt that said "We strive for failure", maybe I should have one too.

Sorry folks, it's probably the alcohol talking, maybe the time of year - I dunno. I need another bottle of Smoking Loon and maybe I can sleep this off. Sorry to be such a drag.

Thoughts...

I've been thinking too much lately, and it's really starting to bother me. At this time last year things were going really well. I was optimistic about most everything, I didn't even have so much as an inkling of an idea that I'd ever leave back East. My job was good, things were on a level playing field. As they as - all was well.

I'd have never have guessed I'd be where I am now. But I guess that's the price you pay for being overly optimistic. Truth be told, if I knew Tina was communicating with Michele around this time last year and what was going on, I'd have left shortly after New Year's this year. But Tina was only trying to protect me.

The last time I saw her I told her she was making me think about staying back East. That was true, but to do so after receiving the worst news I ever heard an hour earlier made leaving easy. Truth be told I was an optimist, but I was also over optimistic. So here I am.

Given the fact that I have liver disease I always wonder if I'll be around next year for Christmas or any holiday. Sometimes it matters, so times it doesn't. More so than not lately, it doesn't matter at all. I've lost everything materialistic this year, but this all started in April 2002. My downfall was quick, quick enough to be almost unretraceable.

But you know, there's something to be said for self satisfaction. I think for the 1st time in my life I'm proud of myself. I made my stand for 3+ years, and I feel accomplished. I believed in someone so much that I laid it all out there, and now it's all gone. But my hope is that the people who know me know why it is what it is. It's not a testament to who I am, it's a testament to who she is and what she means to me - until death.

So where will I be next year? I don't know. The bigger question should be **will** I be next year. I've got a ticking time bomb inside me, and when the timer reaches zero I have no idea. But I guarantee I'm enjoying the party until the last sip of poison is had.

Transient Friends...

As I was sitting on a bench & looking through the want ads, I had a strange realization, I'm come to the conclusion that most of my friends are transients. I say most because I have a friend or two left back East. In fact, I got an email from one of them today. And I must be honest, it made me homesick as hell. You see I hadn't see this person in a long time, but given the passage of time, the old vibe was still there. I wish I had a place to stay out there, I just might change my mind about Vegas and head back. But if I did that, it would nullify my last post stating I was never going back.

As for my "Vegas Friends". I think Bon Jovi had it right when he penned these lyrics 20+ years ago:

"As I sit in this smokey room, the night about to end.
I pass my time with strangers, but this bottle's my only friend "

I must admit to having met a long of interesting people so far. Some came here & lost it all. Others lost it all before they got here. Some married - happily, others - unhappily. This place has made some, and broke others. But all have an interesting story to tell, with lessons to be gleaned from each.

I can spend hours conversing with someone, learning a lot about them only to have them fade into the sunrise, never to be seen again. Others I see for a few days in the same places, but most are tourists....and they eventually leave. I hope maybe something I pass on to them (either young or old), may keep them experiencing what I'm going through.

Pain is an unpleasant thing, a broken heart is intolerable. And the pain from a broken heart because you lost your one true love - indescribable.

On to other things. As of late, I've become acutely aware I've gained weight - too much weight. So I'm in the early stages of "Weight Cutting". If you look the term up in Wikipedia, you get this:

"Weight cutting is the practice of rapid weight loss prior to a sporting competition. It most frequently happens in order to qualify for a lower weight class (usually in combat sports, where weight is a significant advantage) or in sports where it is advantageous to weigh as little as possible (most notably equestrian). There are two types of weight cutting: One method is to lose weight in the form of fat and muscle in the weeks prior to an event; the other is to lose weight in the form of water in the final days before competition."

There can be serious implications while doing this though, but since I already have cirrhosis of the liver, I'm not overly concerned with any of them. I guess the saying from the movie "Knock on any Door" applies here: "Live Fast, Die Young, & Leave a Good Looking Corpse."

I can do the first 2, but that 3rd one's gonna be a bitch!

First Post...

After already having a blog @ myspace, I got some emails from family who wanted me to start a blog to let them know what/how I'm doing from day to day here in Vegas - so here it is. Now for a little history for those of you who don't know my story.

I'm originally from back East, I don't mention the state anymore. I spent most of my life there until it all began to unravel almost 6 years ago. I lost of the love of my life in April 2002 & left the state I was residing in several times, including this last time which was Decmeber 1st of this year. I had originally moved back to where she lived in 2004, hoping to get her back. But as you can probably tell, that never happened.

So in November of this year I decided to roll the dice and see what happens and leave again, this time for good. So here I am Vegas - no car, no home, a little bit of savings, and not much else - well I do have have 3 changes of clothes to my name. I lost everything when I left on December 1st.

Most people wonder how I survive here with nothing. It's actually somewhat of an ingenious plan if you ask me. By day, I look for employment and when that's done I hit my "Casino Circuit" to get free drinks. There's so many casions in Vegas I have several different routes I take on different days, so as to never wear out my welcome or lose my free drinks.

In the early morning, I go to the YMCA and exercise then shover up for my job search. I do this every day except Sunday, when I take the day off. I figure when you have nothing, you have everything to gain. And that's pretty much my existence, other than stopping in some cyber cafe or library to post to my blogs, or find a bar/club to watch the UFC or WEC events.

I don't think either my family or I thought I'd be homeless, but here I am. ANd once I get a working gig I'll be off the streets in short notice. But I took the risk, I knew what was in store. And I must say I've discovered I have more backbone than most people would think.

This isn't the ideal of life, but it's the reality of life I have to face everyday.

Viva Las Vegas!