Thoughts...

I've been thinking too much lately, and it's really starting to bother me. At this time last year things were going really well. I was optimistic about most everything, I didn't even have so much as an inkling of an idea that I'd ever leave back East. My job was good, things were on a level playing field. As they as - all was well.

I'd have never have guessed I'd be where I am now. But I guess that's the price you pay for being overly optimistic. Truth be told, if I knew Tina was communicating with Michele around this time last year and what was going on, I'd have left shortly after New Year's this year. But Tina was only trying to protect me.

The last time I saw her I told her she was making me think about staying back East. That was true, but to do so after receiving the worst news I ever heard an hour earlier made leaving easy. Truth be told I was an optimist, but I was also over optimistic. So here I am.

Given the fact that I have liver disease I always wonder if I'll be around next year for Christmas or any holiday. Sometimes it matters, so times it doesn't. More so than not lately, it doesn't matter at all. I've lost everything materialistic this year, but this all started in April 2002. My downfall was quick, quick enough to be almost unretraceable.

But you know, there's something to be said for self satisfaction. I think for the 1st time in my life I'm proud of myself. I made my stand for 3+ years, and I feel accomplished. I believed in someone so much that I laid it all out there, and now it's all gone. But my hope is that the people who know me know why it is what it is. It's not a testament to who I am, it's a testament to who she is and what she means to me - until death.

So where will I be next year? I don't know. The bigger question should be **will** I be next year. I've got a ticking time bomb inside me, and when the timer reaches zero I have no idea. But I guarantee I'm enjoying the party until the last sip of poison is had.