Great Reward?

After a few drinks and hanging with the locals at the Luxor bar, something ironic was mentioned. Someone said "With great risk comes great reward." Ok, maybe so, but it got me to wondering - where the f**k is my reward? I mean, I don't want to sound greedy...but am I not owed something? I put everything in my life on the line in 2004 and came up snake eyes - lost the farm and the ground it set on.

And then the reality comes, I knew this could/probably would happen. Even if things changed and I was reunited with my love, what would I have to offer other than love? A life with nothing left but working to pay off creditors? Who wants that? But dammit, I worked so freakin' hard for a lot of years to get that right to honestly offer what I didn't offer before - my all. And that's all I have left.

If I died tomorrow I'd be nothing but a speck of fly sh*t in the book of life. A nothing, nobody, someone with no redeeming qualities. But I guess maybe subconsciously that's why I'm here in Vegas. I'd be nothing more than another statistic in a city that swallows people whole & spits them out. A guy I knew in high school had a shirt that said "We strive for failure", maybe I should have one too.

Sorry folks, it's probably the alcohol talking, maybe the time of year - I dunno. I need another bottle of Smoking Loon and maybe I can sleep this off. Sorry to be such a drag.