Let the pain killing begin!

Si Left work At 4:13 and had a vicodin at 3:00. I left the parking lot, cracked open a beer - chugged it - then headed for the liquor store where I bought a bottle of Smoking Loon" wine. Since I got home 10 minutes ago ,I chewed up another vicodin and have started the wine chilling while a throw back a few beers. I don't want to be awake after 11 tonight. I'll just sit and remember having my first kiss with Michele and the rest of out relationship. People that can't understand how I feel why I feel after 7 years have never truely loved someone. As I said - she is, was , and will always be the love of my life. And with that, I leave you with these lyrics:

"Suicide Note Pt. I" - by Pantera

Cheap cocaine, a dry inhale, the pills that kill and take the pain away
Diet of life, shelter without, the face that cannot see inside yours and mine

[Pre]
When I'm hiding, when I need it,
it lets me breathe,
for our handle on this life, I don't believe
this time

[Chorus]
Would you look at me now?
Can you tell I'm a man?
With these scars on my wrists
To prove I'll try again
Try to die again, try to live through this night
Try to die again.....

Forever fooling, free and using,sliding down the slide that breaks a will
Mothers angel, getting smarter, how smart are you to regress unfulfilled?
It's a damn shame, but who's to blame?

[Pre]
[Chorus]

The Safety Kit.

Tonight's the night. I have my "Safety kit" ready, and when I say safety kit I mean beer and vicodins. I figure I'll have the vicodin around 3 this afternoon - then drink the beer after I leave work and get on the highway around 4. If I can keep the pace, I figure I should be out of it by 7 or 8 - long before midnight strolls along. Ten I can relax (sort of) for another 364 days until I do this all again.

Protecting Myself....

So tonight I'm "Practicing" for tomorrow. I had a shot of 151 and several beers and a few sleeping pills & it's all good - feeling no pain. But tomorrow, it's a beer and a vicodin on the way home and then more beer....I should be either comatose or numb by 9 o'clock tomorrow. Life is good!

Piling On...

So, tomorrow's the big day and I don't know how I'll fare. Yesterday was a disaster. My supervisor called off & I was the only one in the department. It was a nightmare! Just imagine being somewhere slightly less than 4 months, you're down to half your department strength already....then the boss gets sick and you're not trained to do everything he can do.

And to top it off, I hadn't taken any of my anti-anxiety pills for 4 or 5 days. Fortunately for me, I picked them up after work yesterday and am feeling better now. But now my focus turns to trying to deal with tomorrow night. Well, I better think fast, I only have 36 hours to figure something out.

The Monster Grows...

I started this blog as a way to hopefully someday look back on the way things were. In April 2002 I started another blog as a way to document my struggle with my depression, and now it's painful to read. Not because of the depression, but what the condition made me into. Michele always told me that she knew there was a good man inside me, even when I failed her miserably. Truth is, she was right.

For most of my life to that point my depression had turned me into someone else. A mean, hateful bastard to be exact, and my blog from that time reflects that. I hated not only myself, but everyone else. I guess the saying that you can't love someone until you can love yourself is true. I just hope that this blog can show other people that are battling depression not to wait to get help - not make the mistakes I made. And above all, to let them know the condition is treatable, and all you have to do is humble yourself to get help.

That being said, let me get to currents events. I woke up this morning with my depression already waiting for me. It's like being on the fringe of hurricane winds instead of the middle of it. People often make the mistake of saying they feel like they're in the eye of the storm - which in fact is the calmest place to be. I can't say I've made the situation better, I waited until after my anti-anxiety med ran out to request a refill. Add the fact that my doctor's office now requires the pharmacy to fax in a request (which takes up to 48 hours to fill and I called the pharmacy on Friday), and it makes for total disaster.

So put that in with what I'm going through emotionally and it's all a shambles. And New Year's Eve is on the horizon - a very dark horizon at that.

It Draws Closer......

With New Year's Eve drawing ever closer, my thoughts turn to ways to make the pain go away. I have several vicodin left to help me out, and I may just take them in the parking lot @ work before I leave for home Wednesday. I try to avert my thoughts, but I just can't - it's hopeless. I always thought I'd wind up in a situation like this, but the fact is that Michele was my only shot at something different - something much better. She offered me a better life, and a love that goes unparalleled to this day.

But it's because of her and her family that I do have a better life than I had then. Not because I lost her, but because losing her forced me into therapy and to get the help I had denied I needed for so long. So I guess there is a silver lining - although it's heavily tarnished by the fact it took her loss to get me to that point.

New Years Eve is coming whether or not I like it - and it's hard to believe it's been 7 years. But how many more will it be until the pain goes away? At this point....I'd have to say never is a fair assessment.

1 Down - 1 to Go.

I made it through Christmas, but it wasn't easy. New Year's Eve is going to be a total nightmare, I can tell already. I may take the day off of work, as I don't think I'll be able to focus on my job. I watched an old episode of "Intervention" and found someone who has almost the same situation/experiences as I do - minus the bodybuilding. The episode (67) description is this:

"He was once a championship bodybuilder and successful property owner. But when he turned 30, Derek felt he was over the hill and became severely depressed. He started drinking to cope with the pressures of marriage and the responsibilities of getting older. His beautiful wife left, and now Derek's days are all the same--he sits in his dark basement, smoking and drinking and bemoaning the loss of his wife. He narrowly survived one suicide attempt and his family is worried he'll try again. An intervention is their last hope."

It's eerie, almost scary - the similarities. Like I said everything **but** the serious bodybuilding, but I do work out though. At least I get to go back to work today. Yesterday seemed to take years to get past. And I have New Year's Eve will be 1,000 times longer and a million times more painful than yesterday.

I'd Rather be Working.

So I drove to work in the ice storm this morning - it was fun! Then shortly before noon I was told we were allowed to go home at noon with full pay for the day. Most people would jump at the chance, but I shouldn't have. I have the rest of the day to think about what I'll be missing tomorrow with Michele & her family, instead of having work to concentrate on. And with one week until New Year's Eve, things are starting to snowball out of control. After tomorrow my full attention will turn to New Year's Eve and every day my depression will deepen. At least tonight I'll be doing shots of 151, but I do have some vicodin left from when I got my tooth pulled for New Year's Eve. I'm even packing a small cooler with a few beers to take to work New Year's Eve day, and as soon as I leave the parking lot - the cooler gets opened and the drinking begins on the way home.

Chest Pains...

I woke up @ 4AM this morning - which is unusual for me. Normally, I'm up around 5ish or so. It wasn't that fact that made it so unusual though. Almost as soon as I opened my eyes, I was aware I was having twinging sensations in my chest. As I was sitting here at my desk, one pain was so strong that it actually took my breath away for a second. I'm owing this disturbing fact to the stress at work, and the time of year that it is and the challenge I face from that alone. If my chest hurts now, I can only imagine how it's going to be on New Year's Eve.

Under Siege,

After a night of tossing & turning I must say I'm burnt. For whatever reason, my usual "Helladay" depression started in full swing yesterday - going from 0-60 in zero seconds. I feel as if I'm in quicksand with an elephant sitting on my shoulders. I'm sinking fast, with no help around or even remotely close by. All this and I'm under more pressure @ work because 2 of our highest ranking employees will be monitoring my department starting tomorrow for a few days. That and the fact that we're short handed and on a short work week. I feel so sick at my stomach that I feel like vomiting. And that's a strange impulse when you really haven't eaten in a week. I'll be glad when January 2nd rolls around so I can get back to normal.

Wondering....

You know, I keep wondering....if it all ended now for me and was all "Said & Done" if anyone would care. The "Helladays" have got me in their iron grip.

Good News - Finally!

Yesterday at work we were told that management is **finally** going to advertise for the open position in my department! We don't know when the ad is going to run, but at least there's some light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe one of these weekends I won't have to work, although the overtime is pretty sweet on the paycheck.

Bringing out the big guns!

With the holidays looming, and the pain growing - I decided to bring ot the "big guns". I went from vodka, to beer, and now back to 151 rum. My last drink was almost 12 hours ago and I'm still plastered. The drive to work should be great, and work should be even better. I can imagine what this is going to be like with vicodin on New Year's Eve.

The Job.....

I really wanted to get this week started off on a good note @ work, but it didn't happen. My email was screwed up and I didn't get much done. To top it off my boss left early (he deserved to), but that meant even less got done. So we're going to get piles of work until God knows when. And considering next week and the week after are 4 day work weeks.....we're screwed.

And my depression is coming on in leaps & bounds. Every day is getting just a little worse. I keep thinking about how I'm going to be alone for the holidays - and most important - that Michele & her family will be together and I won't be there. I often wonder what her daughter is like now. How she laughs, how she sings, and how much like her mom she must be. God, this is going to be hell before too long.

Las VEgas get ready, Daddy may be coming home.......soon.

Continued Frustration...

I know I've mentioned more than once that my department is short handed @ work, but now there's more. 2 days ago we had a staff meeting, which would normally be no big deal. But not this time. My initial suspicions were confirmed that yes, another department is getting at least one more person - maybe 2 or 3 more. And all that means is more misery for my department. I'm still looking for another job, and hoping something comes up soon. Initially I was willing to work as much overtime as needed to help us get caught up, but if the powers that be aren't willing to help us - then forget it. It's definitely time for me to move on.....

The Maelstrom.

Things are falling apart at an exponential rate these days. As much as I try to block out any thoughts of the "Helladays", and especially New Years Eve - I can't. I keep thinking of Las Vegas and the way it was a year ago. I remember taking the bus to Vegas and being stuck in a winter storm - but what an adventure it was! Chances are I may be putting in my 2 weeks notice @ work soon - either right after Xmas or New Years. I can't focus anymore, my mind just races constantly and it's really starting to bother me.

Las Vegas here I come....well not quite yet. But if something doesn't change - and fast....I'll get there soon enough. At least I haven't emotionally collapsed....but I'm sure it's coming up fast.

Reality Hits Hard.

After a few glasses of wine I think I'm ready for a new post. I just finished watching "The Holiday" starring Jack Black, Cameron Diaz, Jude Law, & Kate Winslet. It was a movie about people newly broken up and facing the Christmas & New Year's holidays alone. Admittedly, it was probably aimed at women, but I'm man enough to enough I cried more than once during the movie.

Reality hit home big time, and I admit it hurt - **BIG TIME**. Maybe it's the way things are going downhill at work and the "helladays" are breathing down my neck - I dunno. Even 7 years later & for the rest of my life New Year's Eve will always remind me of Michele. I remember the phone call when we set up our first "date". Michele mentioned she had a daughter and wanted to put her to bed before I got to her apartment.

I disagreed and wanted her to let her daughter stay up to seee what her reaction to me would be. It was funny in a way. One day I had picked up her grandmother to take her to Michele's and as I was driving we started to talk. She mentioned to me how Michele had told her she knew I was "the one" the first time I came through the door and how she (her Gramother) had never seen her daughter take to someone like she had to me so quickly.

Her daughter was just like her, the first time I saw her she owned my heart. They both still do. I've always said I'd have Michele whenever she'd have me. And if that simply meant meeting to talk, that's fine with me. The little boy I was back then didn't deserve her or any of her family. But after so many years of tears, struggle, and therapy, the man I am now at least deserves some consideration. I'm a lot closer to the man she saw than I was then, no doubt about it.

And something else that's crossed my mind is going back to Las Vegas. If I can hang in @ work for a few more weeks I get an "extra" check at the beginning of January. That may just be my ticket out - literally. But first I have to see how I handle the holidays - especially New YEar's Eve. I'll have plenty of alcohol on hand and the vicodins. I'm just a little pissed I have to work New Year's Eve day....until 4:30. I have a feeling this going to make anything Britney Spear's has done in the last year or so look tame by comparison.

TGIF!

I must admit I've been doubting if I'd stay at my job, now I know I won't be. It's just too much, I can't physically push around 80-100 lb. boxes 2 days a week. My back is killing me and I can barely stand it. It's a good thing I have some vicodin left, otherwise I'd probably be stuck in bed for the weekend. I know I mentioned we're short-staffed in my department and now management has done something to make it even worse.

They're adding other people in other departments which will do nothing short of increase the workload of my already shorthanded department. I'd better be getting out of there....and fast.

Med-less/the job/moving?

I think I've finally gotten myself off some of my meds. I haven't taken my Pristiq regularly in over 2 weeks, and I've done well with the withdrawl symptoms. My probationary period ends at work this Thursday and I don't know if they're going to keep me or if I'm going to resign yet. It's no that I'm unhappy with the people I work with or my job - I'm just not convinced it's either what I want or a good fit after 3 months. If they keep me, I'll ramp up my search for a new job or move again.

I used to dread moving, but everytime I move it's with less & less stuff - so it's actually easier each time. IF I decide to resign, I'lll hang it out until they can find someone to fill my position & train them - then put in 2 weeks notice from that point. They've been more than fair to me and I'm obligated to return the favor. CUtting and running is not an option.

Back to It.

So another work week begins, and I can only hope it doesn't start the way the last one ended. I can't wait until the year is over and we get our new person @ work to fill Bobby's position. I pity the new guy though, Bobby was a hard worker and has large shoes to fill.

I've Had It!

After my posting my previous post here, I found out about the death of a Walmart employee. Needless, to say I'm pissed about it. Not only pissed off, but ashamed. I can't honestly say I was shocked, especially after seeing people rushing into stores on "black friday" for the last several years. This only goes to prove that Christmas has been totally commercialized, the real meaning has been lost forever. Now it's all about stuff, peace & goodwill to men has been trampled to death and burned. And the sad truth is a man had to die for it.

He was probably just doing the best he can, maybe even his job @ Walmart was a second job he **had** to have to keep his head above water. The only thing that he was doing was his job, and he paid for it with his life. And the very people who knocked him to the ground then chose to ignore what they'd done and went on about their shopping. God help us - I mean that. Not only should the people who played a part in his death feel shame & guilt - we all should. We made this what it is - a nightmare.

And if you're thinking of calling me a hypocrite, think again. It's true my life used to be about "stuff", but anymore. Some therapy & years of just growing up and seeing what's really important changed that. I don't have a big fancy living room furniture set, but not anymore. My living room only has 1 piece of furniture in it - a computer gaming chair. And whereas most people would be embarassed by that, I'm not. In fact I'm damn proud of it - because it proves just how little I actually need as far as things go.

My thoughts, prayers, and condolences go out to the family of the man that was killed. And he was doing was try to make a living for himself and now he's dead.

Black Friday.......indeed.

Let me Amend that last post.

In instead of saying I could've been shopping, I should said I could've been driving. Within 5 minutes of me leaving me apartment, I almost hit someone in traffic. They mad a last minute lane change in front of me (from a dead stop) so I slammed on the brakes & horn and showed her the "Goal posts with the invisible crossbar." She then proceeds turn turn left, running the red light well after it had gone red. Man, when I renamed it the "Helladays" I was right on. Now I'm off to release my stress by popping some vicodins, having a few cold ones, then finishing the champagne.

Back to Work

So Thanksgiving is over - thank God! Today it's back to work to get the warehouse set up, and it's going to take forever. Oh well, I have a fridge full of beer/wine, and I have a few more vicodin I can take until I have to save the rest for New Year's Eve. It could be worse, I could be going shopping on "Black Friday".

Obilterated

It's been a good day. I've stayed numb and that was the overall goal. A few glasses of champagne, a vicodin and some sleeping pills and I should be good. Then it's time to pass out and back to work tomorrow.

The "W.O.S" Begins!

Folks, we have the War On Terror - "W.O.T.", the War on Drugs - "W.O.D.", and now I have created the War On Sobriety - "W.O.S." But before I advance the army into battle, I just wanted to wish my reader a safe and happy Thanksgiving!

The Pain & the Pleasure!

I've got to start out by saying Vicodin is an amazing drug! I'm going to use it sparingly so I have some left for both Christmas and New Year's Eve. I took a few vicodin and sleeping pills last night and only woke up twice, this after getting next to no sleep the previous 2 days. Monday/Tuesday morning was a process of sleeping 10-15 minutes (if I was lucky), then getting up to have a cold drink to kill the pain in my tooth.

Tonight after work I plan on getting a case of beer and few bottles of wine, then barricading myself in my apartment to watch movies/drink tomorrow. And speaking of work, here's a picture of what was my department buds:

From left to right: Matt(His last day was last Monday), Me, Bobby (His last day full time was last Friday), and John - my supervisor.

Another Reason I Miss Michele.

A few days ago I developed a toothache, so yesterday I went to my dentist only to find out that the nerves in one of my teeth was rotting away. Talk about pain, the slightest hint of cold air hitting that nerve was instant suffering. This morning I went to have the tooth removed, as an extraction was $120 versus $1,600 for a root canal that would've saved the tooth.

And that brings me to why I still miss Michele. The bulk of my family lives in Ohio, but my youngest sister and her family live here in South Central PA. But between her job, and family, she doesn't have a lot of time to see me. As I was sitting in the dentist's chair waiting to gauge the effects of the 2 novocain shots I was given, I closed my eyes and pretended Michele was there, if only for a few moments.

If there's any silver lining to the situation, it was that I was given vicodin. It's just one more weapon in my arsenal of forgetting the "Helladays".

Wasted Weekend - Part 3.

Well, this weekend wasn't totally like the previous 2 - with me getting up and just starting to drink all day. Yesterday I was up around 4:30 in the morning and took my car to be inspected. I got to the dealer @ 6:25 (they open @ 7) and waited for around 2.5 hours for them to get the job done. Around $550 later my car passed inspection. But as I was waiting, there was a cruel reality that hit me.

I try to block out the holidays as much as I can from my thoughts. And I don't call it "The Holidays", I can them "The Helladays". As I was sitting there watching TV, I saw a Christmas commercial and it just reminded me of how hard things are going to get. But I've prepared myself for Thanksgiving at least. I've put together an "emergency kit" of sorts, consisting of 2 bottles of Wild Turkey, a bottle of champagne, and a case of beer. I figure that should help keep me numb for the day.

I'll probably do the same for Christmas, but New Year's Eve will require more than just that paltry amount of booze to help me deal with the emotions that day. But I have time to figure all that out, and I'm actually glad we have only Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's day off. I don't need extra time to be thinking about things, especially this time of year.

Oy!

One week left until the holiday, and I guess I better start thinking about stocking up on the "supplies". And to top it all off, our office is moving from Harrisburg to Middletown next week. All this while we're short handed and they still expect us to stay fully operational - ugh!

My Lifestyle in Song! - from BuckCherry

I hit the bottle in the morning
In the summertime.
I quit my job 'cause it gets in the way.

I find a party by the ocean,
Buy the cheapest wine,
Call up my friends to come and waste the day.

I got a dime bag,
Corduroys, and colored sleeves,
A bindle and some LSD.

Now I'm just lookin' for a girl to meet
To help me to forget my name.

(bridge)
I could spend my lifetime gettin' high,
Never wantin' to live in a suit and tie!
Most of us are just livin' a lie!
Trying to get f*cked up every night!

(chorus)
I'm gettin' drunk all night!
Oh, I'm gettin' drunk all day.
Oh, I'm gettin' drunk all night!
I'm sorry, but I have to say...
I'm too drunk to f*ck!

Now the party was jumpin'
And the girls were fine,
With the lipstick summer glaze!

I got so many women
Comin' after me
I put some pussy on lay-away.

I was smoked out,
Torn up,
Drunk as F*ck
And I wouldn't want to change a thing!

Young and dumb
And full of cum
With the sugar coated candy cane!

(Bridge)
I could spend my lifetime gettin' high,
Never wantin' to live in a suit and tie!
Most of us are just livin' a lie!
Trying to get f*cked up every night!

(Chorus)
I'm gettin' drunk all night!
Oh, I'm gettin' drunk all day!
Oh, I'm gettin' drunk all night!
Oh, I'm gettin' drunk all day!
OH! I'm gettin' drunk all night!
Oh, I'm gettin' drunk all day!
Oh, I'm gettin' drunk all night!
I'm sorry, but I have to say...
I'm too drunk to f*ck ya

Oh! I'm to drunk to f*ck ya!

(solo)

I can't eat,
Can't sleep,
And I'm bored as f*ck.
And the girl I want just walked away.

She just found out
I'm too drunk to f*ck
It looks like I'm not gettin laid.

(Bridge)
I could spend my lifetime gettin' high!
Never wantin' to live in a suit and tie!
Most of us are just livin' a lie!
Trying to get f*cked up every night!

(Chorus)
I'm gettin' drunk all night!
Oh, I'm gettin' drunk all day!
Oh, I'm gettin' drunk all night!
Oh, I'm gettin' drunk all day!
OH! I'm gettin' drunk all night!
Oh, I'm gettin' drunk all day!
Oh, I'm gettin' drunk all night!
I'm sorry but I have to say...
I'm too drunk to f*ck ya!
Too drunk to f*ck ya!
YEAH! I'm too drunk to f*ck ya!
Too drunk to f*ck ya!
(repeated)

Some one help me!
Lord have mercy,
Please, somebody help me!
I can't even f*ckin breathe!
I'm too drunk to f*ck!

It's Time!!!

The beer is cold, the wine is chilling and the movies are ready! Today's features will be "Blood Work". "Escape from Alcatraz", & "Hellboy 2", and I couldn't be happier!

Bottoms Up!!!

Friday "Loonacy"...

The work week is almost over and I'm ready for the weekend! After work I'm prepared to kick off the party with a bottle of Smoking Loon and beer, although I may have to wait until a little later in the evening to start drinking since the management @ lunch are providing lunch and I have to obey the 5 hour rule, which states I must eat nothing 5 hours before drinking so the alcohol will go straight into the blood stream without being absorbed by food. In anyt even - "Bottoms Up!"

Counting Down...

Until "Turkey Day". Since I'll be on my own on Thanksgiving, I'll do things the way I always do them when I'm not able to be with my family for the holiday - I'll get my turkey from a bottle. And of course I'm talking about "Wild Turkey". There's no long prep-time, no worries about messing it up, just pop the top and enjoy! I think 2 bottles should do it, and maybe a bottle of champagne just to top it off and make sure I sleep well. Then I get to dread Christmas, then worst of all - New Year's Eve.

Mid Week Blahs...

It's finally Wednesday! It seems like forever until the upcoming weekend. The next few days look to be pretty crappy weather wise so I'll go stock up for the weekend. I'm saving all my unwatched movies until the weekend when I'll barricade myself in my apartment and drink/watch movies all day Saturday.

Job Woes...

This has been a tough last few days for me @ work. We're losing 2 of the best workers in our department and that leaves just my boss and I. Don't get me wrong, my boss is a great guy - but with it just being he @ I in our department, it leaves me even more under the microscope. Not only that, but I'm starting to feel the pressure. Add to that the fact that our general manager is leaving this Friday and there's **serious** pressure since our g.m. does all the hiring/firing.

So now not only are we short handed - but the person that will hire for those positions is leaving and has to be replaced as well. And I can imagine that the search for a new g.m. is going to take some time. So as of tonight, I'm going to start looking for a new job.

Add that pressure into the fact that this time of year is already a straight uphill struggle and this could be a disaster. It could be, but since I feel off the wagon I'm back to drinking every night and "pilling it up" as well - which helps take the edge off. This was a bad time to think about sobering up, but I did make it 4 days, which for me is an eternity.

The King is Back!!!

Yesterday was a day to set things straight. I drank a beer every hour on the hour from 10AM to 7 PM when I drank the bottle of Fat Bastard. My stomach/throat must be healed as I didn't feel sick for even a second the whole time. I guess from now on my Saturdays will be like that - drink all day and watch movies. It was relaxing and I was feeling no pain - it was a great comeback weekend!

The Fat Bastard Visits!!!!

After having that bottle of "Smoking Loon" the other night, I've decided to pick a bottle of my other favorite wine - "Fat Bastard Shiraz." That'll be on the menu tonight after the Penn State-Iowa game while I'm watching one of my favorite British TV shows - "Absolutely Fabulous." I think I've pimped everything I wanted at this point, so I'll be off to meet up with "The Bastard".

Falling off of,

Then burning the wagon. That's what's going to happen tonight. I've been fighting off drinking for the last few days, but I'm done. I have to face the facts, this time of year is excruciatingly painful for me - especially New Year's Eve. I'll be spending the holidays alone, since I only have a day off for Thanksgiving and Christmas days only.

And after work, a discussion I had with my hair stylist put me over the edge. She had asked me if this was going to be the year I got Michele back before New Years. When there was no answer, she knew what the answer was. So I went next door to the state store and bought a bottle of "Smoking Loon" cabernet and will consume that this evening. And yes, I will keep my handy bucket next to me just in case of emergency.

That Old Familiar Feeling...

It's been since last Thursday night since I had a drink and things are getting rough. I've still not had any signs of detoxing yet - yet. That hardest thing is that when I get home work I get bored and want a drink. But I'll be "On the Wagon" at least until Friday, as I'm pretty much flat broke right now and don't get paid until Friday. Oh well, they say it's a day to day process. I don't know what percentage of people relapse, but I cam imagine it's pretty high.

Blessed...

2 nights of not drinking and I must say I feel great. I feel extremely **blessed** that I have yet to suffer any symptoms of detox at all. Probably the strangest part of getting sober is staying up late nights again after all these years of passing out around 9PM. I was up until around 1:30 this morning watching a horror flick called "Midnight Meat Train". It was written by Clive Barker was was actually something of a new premise as a movie and I found it to be quite enjoyable.

LIfe Cleaning.

Almost 36 hours into being sober and I already see a world of change. I've thrown out **all** my old vodka bottles - even emptying some of them just to get rid of them. Then I started cleaning the apartment, and I must say cleaning the bathroom has been a little rough. The toilet hasn't been cleaned since my bouts of throwing up. It was a great shock to see the blood on the seat and to have to clean it off. And since I stopped smoking 10 days ago, I'm considering this part of my life "Life Cleaning". It's a simple process of starting over with a clean slate and a new start.

Getting Sober...Facing Reality

It happened all again last night and reality has slapped me in the face - **hard**. I am going to make every honest effort to clean myself up, I can't do this anymore. Physically, spiritually, and emotionally - my drinking days are over. I need to start seeking out my friends/family more and get away from this isolation. The loneliness kills me, but I only have myself to blame. So from this point forward, I'm determined to turn things around - period.

Sign of Things to Come?

Just when I thought things couldn't get worse, they have. Last night after downing 4 shots of vodka, I threw up blood. It makes me wonder what's next...

Falling Apart

I don't know what it is lately, but I'm noticing things changing. For instance, before I even get out of bed in the morning my liver feels like it's burning up. I get a sharp, stabbing pain and a burning sensation. Then my anxiety kicks in until about mid-morning, and I've never had that happen until recently. And to top it all off I'm getting nauseous and feel like I want to throw up. Fortunately, I have a doctor appointment next week and I'm thinking about asking him about my possibly applying for disability benefits. All I can do at this point is try to get myself calmed down and make it through the day.

Weary...

It was an ok weekend as far as things go, but I'm worn out. As much as I tried to not think about Michele, it just didn't work. But one this is perfectly clear to me now - it's taken me almost 7 years to get to where she was in 2002. I understand now how she felt when I left, and why she felt that way. I hate being home because the silence is deafening. I remember hearing Brit's giggle, and Michele's voice, but that now has been replaced by silence.

What I'd give for 10 minutes of her time now......

Wasted Weekeend

And that's exactly how I'm going to spend it.....wasted. I stopped by the state store this morning and procured another bottle of vodka and some sour apple schnapps. Not to mention the weather is crappy & rainy and I have a few movies I can indulge myself in that I haven't watched yet. This is going to be a fun weekend, I just hope I can remember it when it's over.

An Apology....

I must apologize for my last post. I guess it proves how dependent I am on my meds. When I made that last post, I was off my Pristiq for 4 days - and man did it show. I can't let that happen again, I've come too far to even entertain the idea of regressing back to 7 years ago. I mean sure, I have my "down times" like most people, but that's the point - it's no worse than what most people go through. It's not like the bottomless pit of hoplessness I ince had. Thank God for therapy & medications!

Hell is Where I reside....

I went to work, had a massive anxiety attack, then came home. My depression is horrible - I want to die. Maybe I'll fall asleep and I'll have a fatal stroke if I'm lucky. If not, maybe I'll just take matters into my own hands again. I can't go on like his anymore - the pain is just too great.

Depressed....

No, I don't think it has anything to do with me turning 40. There are certain times of the year when I tend to evaluate my life, and right now I must say I'm not happy. In fact I'm damned depressed. The possibility of me winding up in a fetal position in bed in the next few days bawling my eyes out is a distinct possibility. I found out that my health benefits are work are rediculously priced at $73 every 2 weeks, and that's not counting dental benefits. Then of course there's the fact that Michele has all but dissappeared, and top that off with a dozen other things I've never mentioned here.

Physically I feel dizzy - like I could fall over at any moment. It just feels as if my heart is going to stop at any time. But I have to pull it together, I can't let them see me lost it at work. I need this job, at least until the end of the month - then we'll see what happens.

Dark Days Ahead.....

I just got back from "Legends" and I was almost in tears. When I left, I said a few things to Tina and came home, knowng I'd face the next 48 hours alone. Right now I'm fighting back the tears, trying to make sense of it all. The end result is that I'll probaby pass out for a few hours, wake up & then hit the vodka until I can stand no more. My only comfort is that I can still spend my b-day with "My family". I still have the video of Michele & her daughter which I can watch - I I can only thank God I have that. It's the small things in life that mean so much, even though Michele hated being taped. Most women that beautiful would have jumped on the opportunity to be taped, but not her. And that's what sets her apart from every other woman on the planet + a million other things.

Tough, Gettting Tougher....

We got dumped on @ work yesterday - I mean **really** dumped on. That means I've got to spend the rest of the week trying to play catch up. Meanwhile, I'm trying to formulate some plans to stay busy this coming weekend, and so far I've got nothing. The topught os spending a 7th b-day without the people I want to spend it with more than anyone else is starting to gnaw at me. When I'm @ home, it's alll I think about, and it's slowly driving me crazy.

The Enf of Gaming...

I got home from work yesterday, anxious to play a little Guitar Hero only to find my XBox dead. Although I tried several times to restart it, I continued to get the "3 rings of death". At first I was a little upset, but then I just accepted it and put it away. Years ago this would have upset me for days, but now I just figure it happened for a reason and life goes on.

I've been through **far worse** in life than a non working XBox, so this little occurrence was nothing more than a temporary setback. I think my video gaming days are behind me now. After all, I will be 40 in a week and I think it's past time I put my gaming days behind me to pursue other things.

The Weekend.

My weekend was pretty much a throw-away. Saturday I ventured out to the bar for 5 hours, which I'd normally look forward to - but it was a bust. I pretty much stayed lit the rest of the day & that was that. Other than my short stint playing Guitar Hero II, the best thing I did all weekend was clean my apt - no more, no less.

Now it's back to work and we'll be down a man almost all week, then next Sat. my boss is getting married and will be off all next week and we'll be down 2 people all week. Overall, I really like my job - but this is one b-day present I didn't want.

Pray.....

For my soul. As I write this, my will to live is diminshing by the second. Suicidal thoughts invade my mind, along with the many mistakes I have made through the years. I have turned friend into foe, lover and best friend into someone that hates me, and life into nothing more than a cycle of working, getting wasted, and back again. Life is quickly losing it's value....so I ask you to pray for my soul - that it winds up in someplace good. That the Almighty God can realize I tried so hard to get it all right in my last years. But also can realize that the one he intended for me to keep I let go, and for that I need to be punished. May God have mercy on me.....

Pimpin' the Family Biz

My newphew and his wife have opened the new business - Small Planet Comics in their hometown of Youngstown Ohio. My newphew has always been a comics junkie and a Star Wars fan as well. They also carry collectible swords and a lot of other cool stuff, so check out their web site!

Yesterday was another red letter day for me. I started drinking at 10:30 in the morning and kept going on and off all day long. Then I played some "Guitar Hero II" and finally crashed, but I have no idea of when.

The Difference

As I was sitting @ the bar at ABC yesterday a well dressed man in a business suit came and sat a few stools down. Shortly afterwards, a female friend of his came and sat down next to him. As they talked, he mentioned a meeting he had attended and how much his presentation at this meeting had won over the crowd.

And it was at that moment that I realized just how different my values were than his. He desires the adoration of many, where I desire the acceptance of a few - and the love of only one. He desires notoriety, where I desire anonimity. He desires being judged by the words he speaks, whereas I desire being judged by my actions.

Years ago I may have held all this against him, but not now. "Live & let live"', as they say I guess. I guess being "normal" just isn't my thing - at least not any more. I discovered music at an early age, and have pretty much lived the rock 'n' roll lifestyle since my teen years. But I'm proud of that - I've stayed true to what really matters.

And it's no different than how I feel about a certain person and her daughter/family. She showed me what really matters, and back then I was too blind to see it. But facing 40 with both eyes wide open I can stand strong knowing that my feelings about her will never change. That's why I have the tattoo of her & her daughter's name on my left arm.

People thought I was crazy to get the tattoo after we broke up. But I believe that if you get a tattoo, get something that will never change. And yes, it sucks being alone....but being with anyone else other than her sucks worse.

Some people stand on sand, others on stone. I'd rather stand on stone - and that's the difference. And the diffeence between now & 7 years ago is huge, and I must say that being different is just too cool.

Midweek,Time for ABC!

It's that time of week again! When quitting time gets here @ 4:30 this afternoon I'm off to Appalachian Brewing Company for a few beers. Not that it's been a tougher week than normal, I just need to blow off some steam.

2 Weeks

Is how long I have until I hit the "big 4-0". I don't see why most people get freaked out by turning 40, it doesn't' bother me at all. I guess maybe it's all in where you're at in life. If you're miserable, turning 40 makes you more miserable I guess. If you took into account the person I was 6 or 7 years ago, I'd be the most miserabel person on earth turning 40. But things have changed and I just see turning 40 as no more or less relevant than turning 3 or something along those lines.

To me, every day is a birthday party - something to be revelled in, enjoyed, and indulged in. Am I the happiest person on earth? No, probably not. But I am enjoying myself much more than I ever have as far as being single is concerned. I'm content being by myself if I can't be with who I want to be with most. And you know what? It's all good!

Broken Silence

You know, ever since I went through therapy, I've tried really hard to get along with other people - and have had great success. But this morning something happened that really tested me. Around 12:30 this morning, I heard noise coming from outside and my next door neighbor yelling at some woman saying "Get the f**k off my property!" And it wasn't just once, it was several times. So I get out of bed and take a look, just to make sure he's ont beating on her as I hear her crying and yelling back at him.

The funny part was that she never left, and as far as I know is still there @ 6:37 AM. The good part is that I was annoyed at all this, and the better part was that I just let it go and went back to bed. 7 years ago things would've been quite different, but I guess I can be at peace with the world.....much less myself.

Bad News

I got a phone call from my mom yesterday after work that brought me bad news. My dad had passed out last Sunday and was taken to the hospital. According to my mom, he had coughed so violently that it caused him to pass out. Not only that, but my mom said that he took the skin off his left arm when he fell. He was discharged yesterday and was home resting when my mom called.

Even with all that drama, I'm glad he didn't have another stroke or heart attack. That would have been much worse, or even fatal. So whatever ideas I might have had about moving on again are gone. With both my dad's health (and mine) in question, the smart choice would be just to stay put. And if something more does happen to my dad, I want to be in a position to get to Ohio quickly.

A New Week...

And so it begins! The work week is always a mixed bag, but one thing's for sure - Mondays @ Impact Satellite are **always** busy. You see, dispatch sends out technicians all weekend - which means paperwork continually piles up all weekend when my department is off. So when we come in on Monday it's pretty much **BAM**!!! But we always seem to stay caught up even though dispatch is still at work long after we're gone during the week. But by the end of the week things are pretty well caught up, and we do it all again the next week. But I can't complain, I like being extremely busy. It beats staring at the clock every few minutes.

What's happened....

I left Myrtle Beach thinking I would be going back, but I didn't. I actually found a goo job working with a great group of people, got an apartment, and here I am back in PA. My health is slowly going downhill, and I have pains in my right side from time to time - but I'm not worried. My philosophy of "Everyday's a party", is still very much my motto.

About a month or so ago my Dad had passed out in his front yard in Ohio, which concerns me. Not only is he diabetic, arthritic, has vision & blood pressure problems, but his passing out was caused by a stroke. The good part is that it didn't affect his facial muscles or speech, but he has trouble keeping his balance now is almost at constant of losing his balance & falling. This has been hard on him, but has also equally be rough on my Mom. So needless to say, I'm worried about both of them.

I got to spend some time with Tina for her b-day a month ago. It wasn't a big bash, but I thought she deserved better than just getting a card from me. So we went for a few drinks and that was about it. But it was fun, nonetheless.

Speaking of going out for drinks - Legends is no longer my hang out after work on Wed. & Fri. after work. Instead, I go to Appalachian Brewing Company on the Carlisle Pike. Every once in a while I think it's good to go to new places and hang out.

So that's basically all of the really big news since July. I guess I'll have to wait & see what the rest of the year holds in store.

Back!!!!!

Well, kids, it's been a trying & very hectic 2 months and I have a lot to catch you up on. I don't have time now, but will post later today will all the developments.

Last post b4 vacation!

Well, this is it for a while - the last post before I start my vacation on Friday. I don't know where all this is going, don't know how I'm going to feel for sure, or how I'm going to deal with those feelings. As Mr. T. said in one of the many Rocky movies - "I predict pain!" Where do I go after vacation, or simply - do I go? I have 2 weeks to decide whether to move on yet again or return to the beach. As they say - only time will tell.

Intervention shock

Last night’s episode of Intervention was a shocker. It was the first time I can remember one of the people involved passed away. The way he (Lawrence Ryan) passed sounds all too familiar to me, as it was something my doctor said to me 3 years ago when she diagnosed me. She said something along the lines of “Well, you can keep drinking, but I really don’t want to see you in the E.R. with a ruptured esophagus – I can’t help you then.” And that’s what killed Lawrence Ryan – a ruptured esophagus. But nonetheless, I had a few gin & tonics and then went home.

Maybe I like to draw comparisons too much with the people on the show, I don’t know. He & I both lived in Las Vegas – he was born there, I moved there. We were both born in October, we both like sports. My condolences go out to his family in no uncertain terms. His obituary can be found here.

My site supervisor asked me if I’d be back from PA, since he knew I was planning on moving back there but went to Myrtle Beach instead. I guess he was wondering if I’d do the same thing again when I was supposed to go back to Myrtle Beach this August. At first I laughed and then said “Yeah, I’ll be back. That is unless there’s a miracle during the time I’m there or something happens to me physically. In either case, I’ll definitely call.” So hopefully that put his fears to rest. I think he’d prefer the miracle, at least he’d know I was completely happy and I’d stop drinking. Miracles can happen, I’m just not counting on it – but hoping – yes.

As for seeing anyone I went to high school with, I feel the same about that situation as I do about things as far as Michele is concerned. I’ve reached out to them, and if they pass I can handle that. I feel as if I’ve done everything I can do as far as they are concerned. I have no more hate or resentment towards them, I’ve owned up to my mistakes and who I was back then. And just for the record, I’ve **never** held any resentment for Michele, or any ill will for that matter and never will.

As my time for the vacation gets closer, the edgier I get. I really want to enjoy myself, but there’s no doubt there’s going to be a few days of emotionally adjusting. But I’ll deal with that the way I always have, with a bottle of something in hand and a cigarette clamped between my teeth. But if I can keep myself busy I might just be ok, but in the evenings – it’s going to be a challenge. But with the physical changes that have happened in the last year, this may be my last trip back & I’d like to think that in some small way I deserve to enjoy it.

And for anyone who cares, tomorrow will be my last post before I go on vacation.

Feeling Shakey

I’m beginning to think my doctor is right. The last few days have been strange health-wise. I haven’t felt anywhere near “normal” for a few days. First it was the tachycardia episode, and now I’m feeling achy all over – like I have a very slight case of the flu. That, and last night my blood pressure was just pounding through my neck. Maybe this vacation is coming at the right time. I have to give myself some credit, I have been working my butt for the past 2 months. But thankfully, this is the last weekend I’ll be working for the foreseeable future. It’s been tough, but the financial rewards have been worth it.

Be Still My Heart

Last night was a little strange - well, really strange to be honest. In the middle of the night, my heart went through an episode of tachycardia for a few minutes. It was enough to wake me up from a sound sleep, and I know I didn't have a night terror. Or at least a night terror I remember, and those are things I can't forget. I just hope this is a not an indication of the way things are going to be on my vacation. I really need to rest and enjoy myself for a few weeks before getting back to work. Although it is possible all the work/overtime I've been putting in are a cause, but there are other things like vitamin deficiencies that can cause it as well.

The Countdown

The days until my vacation are going fast, it's time for me to pack up. With me leaving in the middle of the night, I need to make sure I have all the necessities before I leave. I figure if I leave a toothbrush behind I can always buy another one when I get there. I'm not looking forward to the drive from SC to PA, but it'll probably go fast. As excited as I am I may not even sleep after I get home from work - maybe I'll just leave from work instead. The only thing that I am sure of is that I'll be at happy hour on the 18th.

Vacation!!!!!!

My vacation is now set in stone! I will be back in PA for Happy Hour(s) on the 18^th and stay until the 3^rd of August. If anyone I knew in High School wants to do the free drink thing, let me know and I’ll make sure it happens. I’m up for any day/night you want – preferably early evening before the bars get crowded.

Being as I'm leaving on the 18th around 3AM, I'll be working a heavy schedul enext week to get in the 8 hours I'll miss on Friday. This means anyone wanting to share a few drinks/old stories hould probably contact me before the 15th at either my ICQ #: 475118923, or my email account at rich5150@mail.com - either is fine.

Hopefully I can catch up with some of you and maybe get some well deserved rest for a few weeks as well!

2 Storms!

The closer I get to my vacation, the more my trepidation builds. Why? The more I think about it, the more I’m thinking I’m going to spend a few days in my motel room with a bottle of some kind of alcohol affixed to my lips. This should sound familiar, as it was what happened when I returned in March. I spent 2 days in the motel bar or my room drinking for 18 hours a day.

I do have some things planned to avert my emotions though. Besides hitting the bars\clubs, I also want to visit some music stores to see if I can find anything unusual for me to take back to Myrtle Beach when I come back.

Tropical storm Bertha is now Hurricane Bertha. From what they’re saying it won’t be hitting Myrtle Beach. Even if it would, I’m still taking my vacation. I’ve been busting my nuts working myself to death to have this vacation, and by God I’m going!

Big Bertha!

After a few days of ignoring the idea, I’m finally starting to entertain the idea that I may experience a hurricane firsthand. Tropical storm Bertha is traversing the Atlantic, and although they are planning on it going more northerly, they can always be wrong. But I have an aunt and 2 cousins in Florida and they’ve been through them before, so I think I can make it. I’m even entertaining the idea of having a “Hurricane Party!”

If it’s going to hit Myrtle Beach, I hope it does so before I leave for vacation. After all, it would kind of suck to come home only to have to clean up for a week. But whatever happens I’m game, I’ve been through worse in the last few years.

Finally....Sleep!

Last night I **finally** got some decent sleep. I guess the 6 pack & mixed drinks didn't hurt! I went to work today and still no news on when my trip back to PA is finally going to happen. But my site supervisor is promising to let me know sometime next week. With all this work/overtime I'm putting in, I'm going to need a vacation!

Pills 2 Cure My Ills

Considering I worked today, last night was not good. You see, despite the fact I had a few drinks and some pills to help me sleep – I only got about 3 hours of sleep. The lesson learned? Tonight I’ll double the amount of drinks and try the pills again, I’m not getting another 3 hours of sleep again tonight.

The problem was obvious. For some reason the gears in my min starting turning when I went to bed. The only thing I could think about was my pending vacation. Although I know I’m going to have a kickin’ time, I just wonder if I’m going to have some problems with my emotions at night.

Everyday for the last 6 years it’s been the same scenario. When I get up I’m lonely, when I go to work I have comraderie and I’m fine. Then it’s back home and back to the feeling of the loneliness and walls constantly closing in. I guess that’s why I spend so much time in bars – to ease the loneliness and enjoy a few hours of being social. Years ago I would’ve never have done the bar thing on a regular basis. Back then I hated myself and everyone around me – much less the world I lived in.

Oh well, it’s off to the boardwalk for the fireworks and then to Margaritaville for drinks.

Looking Back - Looking Forward

I don’t know why it is, but around every holiday I take time to take stock of my life. It’s surreal sometimes the way things have turned out.

2002

April – Michele ends our relationship due to problems I’ve had for years that I refused to seek help for.

May – The pain from the end of the relationship has gotten to be too much. While driving on evening the bottom falls out and the realization hits me that I have no choice but to seek help for my problems & I enter treatment. I also hear Michel’s voice for the last time near the end of this month.

August – Tensions between my Dad & I escalate out of control & I move to Ohio where my brother & oldest sister live, along with my nieces and nephews. The move was a good thing and my progress in therapy continues on nicely.

October – I celebrate my 1^st birthday out of PA since moving there in 1982.

December – My job with Alltel is phased out and I move back to PA.

2003

January – The year starts out good, treatment is going well but I still struggle with my feelings for Michele.

July – I move from PA again, but not to Ohio again.

December – The year ends with treatment still going well & me beginning to be able to deal with myself and the world around me. I return to PA to help my parents prepare for their upcoming move to Ohio.

2004

April – My parents move to Ohio after almost 22 years in PA.

August – I return to PA again to look for a job, which I find, treatment continues.

September – When I found out my boss isn’t following the rules, I play a role in having him removed.

October – On the 30^th, my boss is fired. The next day I pick up my first new car with only my name on the title – it felt great!

2005

August – During a routine blood test for my meds, I am diagnosed with the beginning of liver disease. This begins what is to be a long battle with my doctor about my drinking. I’m told that if I keep drinking beer, my life expectancy would be 3-5 years. If I started drinking hard liquor, it would be down from 1-3 years.

September – My grandmother dies at age 98 after a long battle with alzeimhers disease. I attend the funeral and am appointed to be a poll bearer. The loss rocks me, but I continue to progress in therapy.

2006

March – I change jobs and life goes on. I buy my first Harley & get my first tattoo.

August – I change jobs again & go to the American Mint.

2007

February – I trade my 883 Sportster in on a new 2007 Dyna.

July – I attend my first biker rally in Gettysburg.

September – I move out of my apartment and in with a roommate.

October – After an argument with a supervisor, I leave American Mint.

November – The situation with the roommate isn’t working out and I decide to leave PA.

December – I board the bus for Las Vegas. My life in Vegas revolves around getting free drinks in casinos and working out at the YMCA. I have no place to live, but spend most of my time @ the YMCA or in a casino most of the day when I’m not looking for work.

2008

March – I return to PA after getting homesick. I move in with another roommate and find another job. A few days after moving in, I know the roommate thing isn’t going to work out.

April – After deciding not to find another roommate, I load my car and head back to Las Vegas where I resume my old job.

May – I’m homesick again and head back to PA, or so I thought. Instead I wind up here in Myrtle Beach.

June – I start putting together plans for my “PA Vacation”.

July – As of right now, I’m just waiting for an idea of when I start my vacation. It's looking like the middle of this month or slightly later.

Feelin' Fine

I’ll tell ya, I’ve been feeling great lately! It hit me the other night as I watch watching TV just how much better I’ve been in the last month or so. I can honestly say my spirits have never been higher. I have no pressure on my trip back to PA at all. I don’t have to find a place to live or a job (since I have one here in Myrtle Beach), I’m not trying to get Michele back and have done everything I can in my power to at least get her attention. But getting back together is up to her, and to be honest the only thing I really ask from her now is for her to at least hear me out for 15 minutes. So the pressure is off and I’m going to have a **BLAST** when I get back. The only thing I won’t do is go back to Harrisburg to any clubs/bars. And the only reason it went bad last time is that I ran into someone from 20+ years ago who treated me like dirt. And if I’d been sober at the time I actually probably would’ve been cordial to the guy.

Bar Tour '08!

I've compiled a short list of bars I want to get to while I'm back in PA. This'll probably be the only time I get back for the rest of the year, so I'm going to make it good!

The List:

Legends! (Where Else?)
Ye Olde Ale House
Dukes
Sierra Madre'
Appalachian Brewing Company
Flinchy's
Theo's
Brew House Grille
Coakley's

No word yet as to when I can take my vacation, but I should know by this time next week - if not before.

Realization

I recently found out a guy I used to work with is getting divorced after 3 years of marriage. I don’t find a bit of happiness in someone’s divorce, but I must admit that on 1 level it makes me feel good about my situation.

Don’t get me wrong, I know marriage is hard – any relationship is hard. But in the last year I came to realize there’s only 1 woman I’d marry, and I’ve been out of her life for 6+ years. And the fact remains we did break up. But to this day I don’t have the slightest traceable sign of animosity towards her at all. She did what she had to do, I was a very different person back then - **very** different.

But because of her I grew up and got a life, something I didn’t have previous to us being together. I don’t revel in the darker side of life anymore either. Instead, I view each day above ground as a good day – a holiday all on it’s own if you will. I learned not to hate everyone in the world around, and got to like me in the process. I simply dropped my “victim complex”.

But it was a long road, and even if we had stayed together – it would have been another 2-3 years before all the pieces of the puzzle came together. I knew at the time I wasn’t much of a boyfriend – I wouldn’t gotten rid of me long before she did. But in the last few years I can pat myself on the back. I didn’t go to counseling to get her back, I went to get me back.

She’ll never know that she played center stage in me getting me back. The me I like, and the me I can deal with. I’m not saying I’m perfect by any means, but I have made huge progress since then. I never made her promises as a boyfriend, but as a husband I would promise to do much better then before.

It’s true that as a boyfriend I was a miserable failure. But as a husband and step dad, I’d be a massive success.

Long Weekend.

Man, it was a long weekend! I got 18 hours of overtime - that should get me some good imported beer when I get back to PA. I was thinking some Dinkel Acker or something - Westie's should have something I like. I just have to remember why I'm so tired and not get discouraged. It seems like it's going to be forever until I get back. But in reality, the time should pass quickly!

More Contact Info.

I wanted to add another way for people to contact me regarding the "reunion"/free drinks. Not only can you reach me by contacting any of the ways I listed in my last post, but you can contact me on ICQ @ my UIN # 475118923. By this time next week I'll hopefully have my vacation situation figured out. All I know is it'll be 2 weeks of late nights playing guitar & having some drinks in my hotel room.

An Offer to my Friends in PA.

I was thinking, I'm putting in a lot of overtime lately & I'd like to reap the rewards with any of my friends in PA who'd like to take me up on a little proposal. What I'm offering is a "reunion" of sorts while I'm back in PA - and spouses are welcome to tag along as well. I'll pick up the 1st and maybe 2nd rounds of drinks (depending on how many people are interested). The place of course will be "Legends" at the Holiday Inn on Carlisle Pike. As for the date, I'm not sure. I'll probably know next week when I'll be getting back to PA for vacation. If anyone is interested, you can leave a comment, email me, or leave me a message on my Myspace blog.

PA Visit/How to Beat Night Terrors

I should know by the end of next week about when I can go back to PA. Since I can use all the money I can get, I'll be working about 60 hours a week from now until I leave. I hate not knowing exactly when I'll be leaving, especially since I have to let my parents know so they can book a room. It'll settle itself out soon enough, I'm looking forward to going back, but not the 12 hour drive. But it'll all be worth it, that much I'm sure of.

Last night was the first night in a while that I mixed sleeping pills & alcohol. Instead of either blacking out, I was gently lulled to sleep. It was nice - no night terrors either. I just hope that my going back to PA doesn't somehow trigger them even worse than they can be now. Well, if they do - I can always go to Legends and hold them off.

Last Night's "Intervention"/Memories of Weis

I watched Intervention last night and was left with a few impressions. First of all, I said in my last post they could've made the episode with me in it minus the wife and child - that was pretty much true. The exception being that my temper used to be that bad 7 or 8 years ago, before I underwent anger management and treatment for my anxiety/depression. I think people hate anger management because it forces you to face the unlikeable parts of who you are. No one likes criticism, but there are times when people are forced to change.

But there were similarities. One was that "Dan" and I are both the youngest of 4 siblings, we both had at least 1 alcoholic in our family (his was his Grandfather, mine is my Dad), and we both lost people that were close to us. But after that, things are a bit different. Dan drank heavily before he got married and during his marriage. I drank heavily before I met Michele, then drank once a week, then after losing Michele drink heavily again.

And speaking of Michele, I got to thinking about some of the old days working at Weis Markets - a grocery store in Camp Hill, PA. My friend Kevin got me a job there as a stock boy in 1994. We were a small team, Kevin, Bill, Rob, Stan, & me. That's where I first saw Michele. I was standing on a pile of boxes when she & Tina were heading towards our break room. She was wearing a denim skirt, red heels, red shirt, red bow in her hair - God she looked amazing. And ever since there has been no woman like her, never will be either - except maybe her daughter.

I remember being way nervous around her and never wanting to embarrass myself. She always gave me butterflies, and the thought of her still does - -everytime. I remember Stan always chasing Bill around the stock room - punching him all along the route and Bill screaming like a banshee the whole time. It was funny standing outside the truck trailer when Stan would chase Bill into it. You'd hear their footsteps, Bill getting punched, and Bill screaming. Man, do I ever wish we had security cameras in those trailers.

I remember Kevin grabbing Bill by the tie, yanking his head down to his knees, and him pulling Bill into the stock room between the storage bays. I also remember a customer watching the whole thing through the window on the stock room doors. It didn't pay well, but it made up for it in entertainment value, let me tell ya.

But I don't regret any of it. Without working there I would've never seen Michele or dated her for the best months of my life. But sadly, the store is gone - but the building remains. What I'd give to go back to that moment when I saw Michele for the first time......

Intervention & PA Vacation News

I put in for my trip back to PA and was told I wouldn't be able to do it. Well, not until at least mid July. But it turns out that'll work to my advantage. We have a special (last minute) project coming up & it turns out I'll be working for the 4th. Again, it's cool - it works to my financial advantage. I'll be making time and a half, which gives me more $ for bar tabs when I get back to PA.

Speaking of bar tabs, tonight is another episode of "Intervention" on A&E. I've seen previews of tonight's episode about "Dan" and from all appearances it seems they could've made the same exact episode by taping me - sans the wife & daughter. It should be interesting/entertaining if nothing else.

And in a sad note, George Carlin passed away yesterday. It's ironic, I just saw an episode of "Biography" featuring him. And in it he was wearing a hat that said "Live Hard" on it. The said it, and lived it - may he rest in peace.

Boardwalk!

I put in a few hours of overtime today to save for my trip back to PA, and now it's time for Happy Hour! I plan on going to the Crabhouse for dinner:

Then the boardwalk for drinks:

Then to the Kiss Coffeehouse to sober up:

Thursday = Bad Day

Thursday sucked - plain & simple. In the middle of the afternoon I had some health problems that literally put me on the floor for a few minutes 2 work. But eventually I got past it and life went on. I'm putting in for my PA trip on Monday, we'll see how that goes. We may have a special project coming up we hadn't planned on, which means more overtime and more $ in my pocket for the trip. But the trip is still definitely going to happen, it's just a matter of when.

My Meez!!!

Mid-week reguritations.

“I can't help the way I am
There's no trust and there's no end”

– “Revolution is My Name” by Pantera

First off, Happy Birthday to Jeff, Kevin, & Jim from my senior class - Happy Birthday guys!

I forgot to mention something else in my last post, not only did I play my new guitar – I also watched one of my favorite TV show – Intervention. I don’t know if I like it because it validates my partying ways, or if I just feel kinship with the people on the show. Maybe it just makes me feel better because I have a glass or bottle in my hand rather than a crack pipe.

But I see them same thing over & over on the show – something really bad has happened to all of us that have our addictions. Whether it’s a broken home, broken heart, abuse, or whatever the cause – it was the trigger. And who’s to say self medicating is worse than taking some prescription drug?

I’ll use my situation as an example. Several years ago I was put on high blood pressure medication. After taking it for a while I had a blood test done, which revealed liver damage. It was only then that I was asked about my drinking habits, which I was totally open about.

And it was then I was told that the high blood pressure med (mixed with my drinking), can cause/accelerate liver damage. So taking the drug got my blood pressure down, but is eating my liver alive. And after having way too many arguments with my Dr. about my drinking, nothing changed. And anyway, I don’t take my high blood pressure half to 3 quarters of the time anyway. But that’s not my point.

I’ll be the first to admit that I am forever thankful that I was given anti-anxiety and anti-depressants. No one can live like that for long, the human body can only take so much stress - ipso facto. But as far as the drinking goes, I told my doctor that when/if they can develop a drug to erase heartbreak, I’ll be the first to take it. But since they haven’t, and probably won’t I’ll do it my way.

Who knows? Maybe I’ll have my own episode of Intervention.

Tuesday Update

I had fun last night! Not only did I get to play my new Dimebag guitar, I hoisted a few cold ones on his memory. It was quite a night. I'm still pondering my "PA Getaway" and getting some form of itinerary together - although I'll probably just disregard it anyway. But I have a few key places I'm definitely going to visit while I'm there besides Gettysburg - Legends:

Man, do I ever miss that place! I miss my bartenders - Tina & Rosie, even though Rosie hates the sight of me! That cool though, I still tip her well anyway! I want to visit Negley Park in Lemoyne as well. I haven't been there in almost 20 years, but now it's time to go visit. Of course I'll hit some music stores and other stuff. But as my sisters says - "Keep it interesting!"

Monday = D - Day

Mondays usually suck by nature, but not this Monday. Today I returned from work to find my new Dimebag Darrell guitar waiting for me. For as many years as I've lived in apartments I've never had anything stolen. Or at least nothing I know about. ;-) So today is a good day on the calendar. And today brings me one day closer to going back to PA for my visit. I think I've figured out that I'm going to try & get back the week after the 4th.

The 145th anniversary of the battle of Gettysburg is this year, and no matter what year anniversary it is the place is always packed around the 1st,2nd, & 3rd. So I'll save my trip until after the 4th.

Father's Day

Happy father's day to all the Dad's out there. I gave my Dad a call to wish him a happy father's day and to see if he got my gift - which he did. When I mentioned to him that I was going to be in PA again for a visit he alluded to the idea that he & my mom may meet me while I'm there to check out the Hollywood Casino. I must admit that ever since I left Vegas I am having a bit of "slots withdrawl".

Last night was a rough one. My head just kept spinning with ideas about where to go/what to do when I'm back in PA. And for some reason I just felt like I was burning up until I finally feel asleep. But at least I didn't have the night terrors I usually have. The difference between a bad dream and a night terror was explained by a doctor like this:

A bad dream is when you wake up the next morning and think "Man, I had a bad dream last night."

A night terror is when you're jolted awake in an upright position with cold sweats and gasping for air. Trust me, if you've ever had one, they're definitely not fun!

Gettysburg Trip

As I start putting together plans for my Gettysburg trip, I've got to figure out where I want to go the most. The new visitor's center is a must, as is most of the battlefield. I guess the hardest part is deciding how much time I'm going to take off to do it. A week sounds good, but 2 sounds even better. At least with 2 weeks it'd give me time to heal up from the overtime I've been putting in. Hanging drywall definitely **isn't** the easiest thing I've ever done. But it'll be nice to be home again for a while.

I'm an Idiot!!!

I went to set up an ICQ account for myself today and made a huge mistake. I don't know why, but it always seems that as far as my feelings for Michele go, I always find some way to torture myself over it. Anyway, I do some people searching on ICQ, and lo and behold - Michele has an ICQ account. So Tina, if you still read this, go to ICQ.com, then "Meet People", then "People Search". Search for Michele under her married last name and it'll come up - Age 42 - Mechanicsburg. I need to go change, I'm off to Margaritaville for get f**ked up **BIG TIME**.

The State of Things...

You know, any time I wonder if I made a mistake by not going back to PA, I just think about this:

Sunrise over Myrtle Beach

Yeah, the Susquehanna was a sight to behold - but the Atlantic Ocean is much more awe inspiring! Since my last post things have slowly but surely continued to go downhill. Now, every time I drink I bleed. How do I know? Let's just say for the sake of not being graphic/gross - I know.

And speaking of drinking, I've found a new home - check it out.

Yes, Myrtle Beach has a place for Parrotheads!

Looking at it overall, I feel fortunate. Fortunate because I had a choice. Most people don't know when they're going to pass on to the next world, and thereby leave things undone. And I am 110% satisfied with myself that I have done **everything** possible to get things done. Some situations left me as half of the equation, and I completed my half. I can honestly say that each day that goes by brings me less & less regret. I can leave this paradise for the next, and no one should feel sorry for me. In the last few years I can say that I've lived more than I ever expected.

Memorial Day @ Myrtle Beach

First, let me ask anyone who reads this in the U.S. to take a moment to remember why we have a Memorial Day. It's fun to party, but the underlying reason for the Holiday is sacrifice. The reality of our armed service men/women sacrificing their lives so that I can have the freedom to do as I want has never been more real to me than these past few years.

Which brings me to the subject @ hand. I've not posted for almost a month, and with good reason. About a month ago, I packed up my car at my parent's in Ohio and set out for Harrisburg. I never made it. There was no accident or anything like that, but something happened between Pittsburgh & Harrisburg. I did some deep thinking, really deep.

As I was driving, I started to think about all the previous times I'd returned to PA and why. Each time I went back to PA I was deluding myself into thinking that when I returned, at some point I would be reunited with Michele. And all 7 or 8 times I was wrong. This time I decided not to return to South Central PA, but instead got into my maps and plotted a course to Myrtle Beach. And this is where I've been and where I will stay.

I found another job drywalling, and live only minutes from the beach. I can't tell you how relaxing it is to leave work and head straight to the beach for drinks. But it hasn't been all positive. My liver has put me back into the hospital twice in the last month, and I probably should've been in more than that. But I think the people at Grand Strand Regional are probably already sick of seeing me.

Besides the pain I've had, my fatigue levels get worse every day, and I'm told at some point I'll be incapable of working. That means I'll have to file for disability, which is something I don't want to do - but will be necessary. The last time I was in the E.R. I was told that if I didn't plan on changing my ways that it would be wise to make peace with whoever I need to - and quickly. I wouldn't allow them to give me an idea of how much time I have, it's immaterial to me.

Until that day, I will continue to enjoy my new Southern home. It's been over 25 years since I've seen Myrtle Beach, but the people haven't changed. The same old Southern hospitality that existed upon my last visit still lives on to this day. It's changed greatly since my last visit, and I still have a lot to discover and enjoy. But this "yankee" is quite happy here in the South. I had a lot of great memories coming here as a kid, and I'm making more day by day. I guess the saying of "Where I lay my head is home" is true.

Everyone have a happy, safe Memorial Day weekend & don't party too much!