"And The Road Becomes my Bride"

"The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom." - William Blake

And that road of excess has lead me to PA for one last time. With my health slowly getting worse, I have decided to go back to PA and will leave Vegas this Sunday and begin the drive home so that I can be at Legends on Friday night. In the end, I decided that I wasn't leaving this world except in the place I truly call home. But I have no intentions of slowing things down, oh no. The party that was in effect when I was still in PA will continue until it eventually ends. My legacy won't be a good one - but at least people can say I did things on my terms.

Sick

Today was a bad day - I felt crappy all day long. I don't know if it's my liver problems flaring up or what, but I felt tired and achy all day. I guess it was just one of those days I have every once in a while. I was going to head out to the strip tonight, but I think I'll just go stock up and stay in tonight, just in case I start feeling even worse.

The Irony

It's funny how when I was kid I wanted to make my own decisions, but now that I'm an adult there's still some decisions I don't like making. Although I didn't necessarily want to make the decision to go back to PA or not, it still had to be made. A former supervisor told me years ago that making decisions was part of being an adult, I guess he was right.

The trip to Fremont Street was pretty cool, although it wasn't the first time I'd be there to see "The Fremont Street Experience". That's something I could see a million times and be amazed by something different each time. It reminded me of when Damnocracy went down there during the show on VH1 called "Supergroup". They now use the same Fremont Street show as their opening flash animation for their website.

Decision Made

Today I made the decision to leave Vegas or return to PA. In the end, the decision was based on one thing. With my health problems worsening, the decision was based on living as much as possible before my health gives out. And therin lies my decision.

Tomorrow = D Day

When I wake up tomorrow I'll know if I'm staying in Vegas or going back to PA. It's not going to be an easy decision, but it had to be made. And I know whatever decision I make **has** to be permanent. There can be no more turning back - no matter what. So tonight I'm going to Fremont Street & going to enjoy myself and then think about what I really want.

Conflicted

As I was washing my car last night, I had recognized this was the first time I'd actually had my car to wash in Vegas. It was an epiphany, and let me with a strange feeling. I guess maybe my previous stays in Vegas hadn't left me with the feeling that I was actually living the experience.

Then I started mulling over my feelings about change. Normally, I'm not someone who embraces change. But I guess it depends on what the change is, for example:

Since 2002 I've undergone tremendous change within myself, and in general, have become a better person. Then again, I also realize that the events of 2002 left me with no other option than to change - so I had to embrace it.

As far as moving to/from PA to Vegas and the change that entails, it's a mixed bag. Before 2002 I never truly had the urge to move from PA. I had thought about, even told Michele about it - but never really considered it. But after April 2002 it had to happen in my estimation. I couldn't emotionally handle being so close to Michele and not be able to see her. But since '02 and half a dozen or more moves later, I realize I'm going to have to battle that feeling wherever I go. The only upside of geographic distance is that I can walk the streets of Vegas and not have to worry about seeing her with someone else. Other than that, the emotional aspects will always follow me wherever I go.

The last time I was in PA I had a blast. I partied like a rock star and saw Kev & Tina - it was fun! But something seemed to be missing. For whatever reason, it didn't have that old "home" feeling I had had for over 22 years. I don't know what the problem was, but I didn't really take much time to ponder it either. I was living it up and having a good time.

But having a good time in PA and having a good time in Vegas are 2 different things. In PA, there are stricter rules as to how far you can take things. In Vegas, the field is widened - and debauchery is practically begged for from residents and visitors alike. And I guess that reflects changes in me. From '02 up until a few years ago there were guidelines I followed up to a point. Then I was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver and from that point on there have been no rules - no boundaries as to how crazy I'll get with my partying ways.

Some people may think this just ego building bullsh*t, but they'd be wrong. Tina was the first person to see exactly how bad things can get. The fact that she tolerated me was a miracle. She had to look at my old, flabby arse when I was pissing on the bushes, the near fight I got into, me stopping where she works multiple times when I was loaded, and she somehow puts up with my ramblings about how I miss a certain person.

I only have so many days to decide to stay in Vegas or go back, and time is slipping away.

Chillin' Out

Yesterday was a scorcher, no doubt about it. Today wasn't so bad, only around 80 - so working wasn't as trying as yesterday. I have a feeling it's going to be a long week emotionally. Let's face it, I only have 11 days to decide what I'm doing as far as going back to PA, and *if* I'm going back to PA. The way I see it, it doesn't matter where I go - my behavior over the last few months isn't going to change.

Before I went back to PA and was here in Vegas I stayed out of trouble, unless you count the seizure I had a while back. When I got back to PA I nearly got in a fight and embarrassed Tina to no end, then spent more nights in a motel due to just getting hammered than wanting to stay in a motel. Then there was the night bar management @ Legends made me stay or they were calling the cops to arrest me. After that they quit serving me after they thought I'd had enough.

Funny, but I never had those problems here in Vegas. I can't count on both hands and both feet the number of times I've been fubar and walked the streets with an open container - and been left to my own devices. That's part of the draw for me here in Vegas - it begs the individual to be hedonistic, without the threat of repercussions. I can live my life full throttle they way I want and not have to worry about being judged, or worse yet - busted for it.

The time for me to settle down passed 6 years ago this month, then the floodgates slowly opened until the surge was uncontrollable. Am I asking people to condone my lifestyle? Not at all. But what I *am* asking is not to be judged for it either.

I have a big decision to make and time is running out....

Feelin' the Heat

It was **hot** today in Vegas - 91 degrees to be exact. Thank God we started early and finished early, I think the heat would've been too much by late afternoon. I've still made no decisions about heading back to PA, but I have been thinking about it. More specifically, I've been thinking about the people from my high school class I haven't seen since we graduated. I'd like to see Leib, Walt, Kev (who I've seen ever time I've been back) Lauren, Lisa G., and a few other people. And there are some other people from other graduating classes I'd like to see too. I tried to meet up with Mike S., but he never returned my email on myspace. Oh well, no big loss, he slept with a girl I really liked at Senior Week anyway. What's the old saying "With friends like these, who needs enemies?"

Agonizing

Over the last few days things have been getting to me, I admit it. But it never fails to amaze me, when I have something completely figured out (or so it seems) things change. I couldn't find a place to live in PA so I came back to Las Vegas - fair enough. Then I get to Vegas and I get a phone call for a job - again, fair enough. The problem isn't the job - it's finding a place to live. In Vegas there's no shortage of housing, people even put up blankets as dividers in their garages just to rent the space out. Out there it's a simple prospect - if you can't pay you're out, it's as simple as that. In PA (from what I've experienced). it's give us your first born a DNA test, then a blood test. Then maybe, just **MAYBE** we'll rent to you.

I really shouldn't complain. Even *if* I decide to go back in 2 weeks I will have had what essentially what amounts to a paid vacation in Vegas - right? I just seems like every time I get settled into a situation that things change yet again. At this point all I want in my life is stability. I'm getting to be an old goat, but I'm far from ready to go out to pasture, trust me.

How is this all going to play out? I have no idea. But the one thing I have to do is stop changing my mind every time the wind changes direction. The last thing I want to do is turn 40 and be burnt out already.

It Never Fails...

So I've been back here in Vegas for a few days and history yet again repeats itself. Yesterday I got a phone call from AT&T saying I had gotten a position with them. That's all good & fine, but I'm now 2,400 miles away now. But I'd be lying if I said I hadn't entertained the idea for a few seconds after getting the call. When I left PA I had a job with UPS, so having work wasn't a problem. What was a problem is having somewhere to live. It seems to me that apartment complexes back in PA have really tightened up their requirements for getting an apartment - which is why I left. And me refusing to live with a roommate ever again leaves that option completely out.

So for the 1st time in my life I have 2 jobs - my drywalling job here in Vegas & my AT&T job in PA. My drywall job is nice because we start early and end early with no weekends, and the pay (for Vegas) is great. But can I say with 100% assurance I won't go back to PA? No. But after moving around so many times in so few years, I really need stability. And the bottom line for me is that no matter how hard I've wished, hoped, and literally prayed to get back with Michele - it's not happening. Not in this lifetime or any lifetime, and that's what will keep me here in Vegas.

It's Over

After moving out on my roommate I set out to find a place of my own. It didn't go well. In fact, most places wanted me to jump through hoops to get a place. So I got frustrated and did what anyone else would have done - I came back to Las Vegas. Yes, you read right - I am now back in Vegas. I called my former employer here in Vegas and was able to get my construction job back and a place to live temporarily.

My last night in PA I was awake all night, just thinking about things. As I've said before, I've left PA 5 or 6 times now and returned as many times since 2002. 2 things are crystal clear:

1. I've spent a small fortune trying to get Michele back.
2. I've not since her since 2002.

Hence, I left - and this time it's for good. I no longer have any misconceptions that I'll ever get her back, much less see her again. And as I drove every inch of the 2,400+ miles to get back to Vegas I told myself - "That's it, no more." So unless I hear from her, or hear something from Tina or someone else who knows her - it's done. I no longer have the finances or the will to go back to PA. For the last 6 years there's been nothing but constant instability around me, and I feel that here in Vegas I'll finally have stability.

I really can't say how much longer my liver will hold up, but until it's done I'm having a blast here in Vegas and making no apologies about it. Viva Las Vegas!