Let the pain killing begin!

Si Left work At 4:13 and had a vicodin at 3:00. I left the parking lot, cracked open a beer - chugged it - then headed for the liquor store where I bought a bottle of Smoking Loon" wine. Since I got home 10 minutes ago ,I chewed up another vicodin and have started the wine chilling while a throw back a few beers. I don't want to be awake after 11 tonight. I'll just sit and remember having my first kiss with Michele and the rest of out relationship. People that can't understand how I feel why I feel after 7 years have never truely loved someone. As I said - she is, was , and will always be the love of my life. And with that, I leave you with these lyrics:

"Suicide Note Pt. I" - by Pantera

Cheap cocaine, a dry inhale, the pills that kill and take the pain away
Diet of life, shelter without, the face that cannot see inside yours and mine

[Pre]
When I'm hiding, when I need it,
it lets me breathe,
for our handle on this life, I don't believe
this time

[Chorus]
Would you look at me now?
Can you tell I'm a man?
With these scars on my wrists
To prove I'll try again
Try to die again, try to live through this night
Try to die again.....

Forever fooling, free and using,sliding down the slide that breaks a will
Mothers angel, getting smarter, how smart are you to regress unfulfilled?
It's a damn shame, but who's to blame?

[Pre]
[Chorus]

The Safety Kit.

Tonight's the night. I have my "Safety kit" ready, and when I say safety kit I mean beer and vicodins. I figure I'll have the vicodin around 3 this afternoon - then drink the beer after I leave work and get on the highway around 4. If I can keep the pace, I figure I should be out of it by 7 or 8 - long before midnight strolls along. Ten I can relax (sort of) for another 364 days until I do this all again.

Protecting Myself....

So tonight I'm "Practicing" for tomorrow. I had a shot of 151 and several beers and a few sleeping pills & it's all good - feeling no pain. But tomorrow, it's a beer and a vicodin on the way home and then more beer....I should be either comatose or numb by 9 o'clock tomorrow. Life is good!

Piling On...

So, tomorrow's the big day and I don't know how I'll fare. Yesterday was a disaster. My supervisor called off & I was the only one in the department. It was a nightmare! Just imagine being somewhere slightly less than 4 months, you're down to half your department strength already....then the boss gets sick and you're not trained to do everything he can do.

And to top it off, I hadn't taken any of my anti-anxiety pills for 4 or 5 days. Fortunately for me, I picked them up after work yesterday and am feeling better now. But now my focus turns to trying to deal with tomorrow night. Well, I better think fast, I only have 36 hours to figure something out.

The Monster Grows...

I started this blog as a way to hopefully someday look back on the way things were. In April 2002 I started another blog as a way to document my struggle with my depression, and now it's painful to read. Not because of the depression, but what the condition made me into. Michele always told me that she knew there was a good man inside me, even when I failed her miserably. Truth is, she was right.

For most of my life to that point my depression had turned me into someone else. A mean, hateful bastard to be exact, and my blog from that time reflects that. I hated not only myself, but everyone else. I guess the saying that you can't love someone until you can love yourself is true. I just hope that this blog can show other people that are battling depression not to wait to get help - not make the mistakes I made. And above all, to let them know the condition is treatable, and all you have to do is humble yourself to get help.

That being said, let me get to currents events. I woke up this morning with my depression already waiting for me. It's like being on the fringe of hurricane winds instead of the middle of it. People often make the mistake of saying they feel like they're in the eye of the storm - which in fact is the calmest place to be. I can't say I've made the situation better, I waited until after my anti-anxiety med ran out to request a refill. Add the fact that my doctor's office now requires the pharmacy to fax in a request (which takes up to 48 hours to fill and I called the pharmacy on Friday), and it makes for total disaster.

So put that in with what I'm going through emotionally and it's all a shambles. And New Year's Eve is on the horizon - a very dark horizon at that.

It Draws Closer......

With New Year's Eve drawing ever closer, my thoughts turn to ways to make the pain go away. I have several vicodin left to help me out, and I may just take them in the parking lot @ work before I leave for home Wednesday. I try to avert my thoughts, but I just can't - it's hopeless. I always thought I'd wind up in a situation like this, but the fact is that Michele was my only shot at something different - something much better. She offered me a better life, and a love that goes unparalleled to this day.

But it's because of her and her family that I do have a better life than I had then. Not because I lost her, but because losing her forced me into therapy and to get the help I had denied I needed for so long. So I guess there is a silver lining - although it's heavily tarnished by the fact it took her loss to get me to that point.

New Years Eve is coming whether or not I like it - and it's hard to believe it's been 7 years. But how many more will it be until the pain goes away? At this point....I'd have to say never is a fair assessment.

1 Down - 1 to Go.

I made it through Christmas, but it wasn't easy. New Year's Eve is going to be a total nightmare, I can tell already. I may take the day off of work, as I don't think I'll be able to focus on my job. I watched an old episode of "Intervention" and found someone who has almost the same situation/experiences as I do - minus the bodybuilding. The episode (67) description is this:

"He was once a championship bodybuilder and successful property owner. But when he turned 30, Derek felt he was over the hill and became severely depressed. He started drinking to cope with the pressures of marriage and the responsibilities of getting older. His beautiful wife left, and now Derek's days are all the same--he sits in his dark basement, smoking and drinking and bemoaning the loss of his wife. He narrowly survived one suicide attempt and his family is worried he'll try again. An intervention is their last hope."

It's eerie, almost scary - the similarities. Like I said everything **but** the serious bodybuilding, but I do work out though. At least I get to go back to work today. Yesterday seemed to take years to get past. And I have New Year's Eve will be 1,000 times longer and a million times more painful than yesterday.

I'd Rather be Working.

So I drove to work in the ice storm this morning - it was fun! Then shortly before noon I was told we were allowed to go home at noon with full pay for the day. Most people would jump at the chance, but I shouldn't have. I have the rest of the day to think about what I'll be missing tomorrow with Michele & her family, instead of having work to concentrate on. And with one week until New Year's Eve, things are starting to snowball out of control. After tomorrow my full attention will turn to New Year's Eve and every day my depression will deepen. At least tonight I'll be doing shots of 151, but I do have some vicodin left from when I got my tooth pulled for New Year's Eve. I'm even packing a small cooler with a few beers to take to work New Year's Eve day, and as soon as I leave the parking lot - the cooler gets opened and the drinking begins on the way home.

Chest Pains...

I woke up @ 4AM this morning - which is unusual for me. Normally, I'm up around 5ish or so. It wasn't that fact that made it so unusual though. Almost as soon as I opened my eyes, I was aware I was having twinging sensations in my chest. As I was sitting here at my desk, one pain was so strong that it actually took my breath away for a second. I'm owing this disturbing fact to the stress at work, and the time of year that it is and the challenge I face from that alone. If my chest hurts now, I can only imagine how it's going to be on New Year's Eve.

Under Siege,

After a night of tossing & turning I must say I'm burnt. For whatever reason, my usual "Helladay" depression started in full swing yesterday - going from 0-60 in zero seconds. I feel as if I'm in quicksand with an elephant sitting on my shoulders. I'm sinking fast, with no help around or even remotely close by. All this and I'm under more pressure @ work because 2 of our highest ranking employees will be monitoring my department starting tomorrow for a few days. That and the fact that we're short handed and on a short work week. I feel so sick at my stomach that I feel like vomiting. And that's a strange impulse when you really haven't eaten in a week. I'll be glad when January 2nd rolls around so I can get back to normal.

Wondering....

You know, I keep wondering....if it all ended now for me and was all "Said & Done" if anyone would care. The "Helladays" have got me in their iron grip.

Good News - Finally!

Yesterday at work we were told that management is **finally** going to advertise for the open position in my department! We don't know when the ad is going to run, but at least there's some light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe one of these weekends I won't have to work, although the overtime is pretty sweet on the paycheck.

Bringing out the big guns!

With the holidays looming, and the pain growing - I decided to bring ot the "big guns". I went from vodka, to beer, and now back to 151 rum. My last drink was almost 12 hours ago and I'm still plastered. The drive to work should be great, and work should be even better. I can imagine what this is going to be like with vicodin on New Year's Eve.

The Job.....

I really wanted to get this week started off on a good note @ work, but it didn't happen. My email was screwed up and I didn't get much done. To top it off my boss left early (he deserved to), but that meant even less got done. So we're going to get piles of work until God knows when. And considering next week and the week after are 4 day work weeks.....we're screwed.

And my depression is coming on in leaps & bounds. Every day is getting just a little worse. I keep thinking about how I'm going to be alone for the holidays - and most important - that Michele & her family will be together and I won't be there. I often wonder what her daughter is like now. How she laughs, how she sings, and how much like her mom she must be. God, this is going to be hell before too long.

Las VEgas get ready, Daddy may be coming home.......soon.

Continued Frustration...

I know I've mentioned more than once that my department is short handed @ work, but now there's more. 2 days ago we had a staff meeting, which would normally be no big deal. But not this time. My initial suspicions were confirmed that yes, another department is getting at least one more person - maybe 2 or 3 more. And all that means is more misery for my department. I'm still looking for another job, and hoping something comes up soon. Initially I was willing to work as much overtime as needed to help us get caught up, but if the powers that be aren't willing to help us - then forget it. It's definitely time for me to move on.....

The Maelstrom.

Things are falling apart at an exponential rate these days. As much as I try to block out any thoughts of the "Helladays", and especially New Years Eve - I can't. I keep thinking of Las Vegas and the way it was a year ago. I remember taking the bus to Vegas and being stuck in a winter storm - but what an adventure it was! Chances are I may be putting in my 2 weeks notice @ work soon - either right after Xmas or New Years. I can't focus anymore, my mind just races constantly and it's really starting to bother me.

Las Vegas here I come....well not quite yet. But if something doesn't change - and fast....I'll get there soon enough. At least I haven't emotionally collapsed....but I'm sure it's coming up fast.

Reality Hits Hard.

After a few glasses of wine I think I'm ready for a new post. I just finished watching "The Holiday" starring Jack Black, Cameron Diaz, Jude Law, & Kate Winslet. It was a movie about people newly broken up and facing the Christmas & New Year's holidays alone. Admittedly, it was probably aimed at women, but I'm man enough to enough I cried more than once during the movie.

Reality hit home big time, and I admit it hurt - **BIG TIME**. Maybe it's the way things are going downhill at work and the "helladays" are breathing down my neck - I dunno. Even 7 years later & for the rest of my life New Year's Eve will always remind me of Michele. I remember the phone call when we set up our first "date". Michele mentioned she had a daughter and wanted to put her to bed before I got to her apartment.

I disagreed and wanted her to let her daughter stay up to seee what her reaction to me would be. It was funny in a way. One day I had picked up her grandmother to take her to Michele's and as I was driving we started to talk. She mentioned to me how Michele had told her she knew I was "the one" the first time I came through the door and how she (her Gramother) had never seen her daughter take to someone like she had to me so quickly.

Her daughter was just like her, the first time I saw her she owned my heart. They both still do. I've always said I'd have Michele whenever she'd have me. And if that simply meant meeting to talk, that's fine with me. The little boy I was back then didn't deserve her or any of her family. But after so many years of tears, struggle, and therapy, the man I am now at least deserves some consideration. I'm a lot closer to the man she saw than I was then, no doubt about it.

And something else that's crossed my mind is going back to Las Vegas. If I can hang in @ work for a few more weeks I get an "extra" check at the beginning of January. That may just be my ticket out - literally. But first I have to see how I handle the holidays - especially New YEar's Eve. I'll have plenty of alcohol on hand and the vicodins. I'm just a little pissed I have to work New Year's Eve day....until 4:30. I have a feeling this going to make anything Britney Spear's has done in the last year or so look tame by comparison.

TGIF!

I must admit I've been doubting if I'd stay at my job, now I know I won't be. It's just too much, I can't physically push around 80-100 lb. boxes 2 days a week. My back is killing me and I can barely stand it. It's a good thing I have some vicodin left, otherwise I'd probably be stuck in bed for the weekend. I know I mentioned we're short-staffed in my department and now management has done something to make it even worse.

They're adding other people in other departments which will do nothing short of increase the workload of my already shorthanded department. I'd better be getting out of there....and fast.

Med-less/the job/moving?

I think I've finally gotten myself off some of my meds. I haven't taken my Pristiq regularly in over 2 weeks, and I've done well with the withdrawl symptoms. My probationary period ends at work this Thursday and I don't know if they're going to keep me or if I'm going to resign yet. It's no that I'm unhappy with the people I work with or my job - I'm just not convinced it's either what I want or a good fit after 3 months. If they keep me, I'll ramp up my search for a new job or move again.

I used to dread moving, but everytime I move it's with less & less stuff - so it's actually easier each time. IF I decide to resign, I'lll hang it out until they can find someone to fill my position & train them - then put in 2 weeks notice from that point. They've been more than fair to me and I'm obligated to return the favor. CUtting and running is not an option.

Back to It.

So another work week begins, and I can only hope it doesn't start the way the last one ended. I can't wait until the year is over and we get our new person @ work to fill Bobby's position. I pity the new guy though, Bobby was a hard worker and has large shoes to fill.