Meeting Jesus/Going Away

This is going to be tough, but I have to do it. Some people may wonder why I have sympathy for Britney Spears, the reason is that I suffer from depression/anxiety - which I believe has has as well. And since I took myself off my meds I have continuously fallen down into an ever deepening pit, it's like falling down a well trying to grab on to something, but getting nothing. I'm not writing this for sympathy, instead it's meant to be a warning for others, and to be something that (if I live long enough) I can look back on and be proud I made it through.

For all of you that are tired of hearing about Michele, you may want to stop here - but I have to let it out. Truth be told, if I'd have listened to Michele when we were together, we'd still be together right now. She begged & pleaded with me to get help, but I refused. My refusal led to me loosing her, her daughter, and her family. It hurts to lose the one truest love you've ever known, then to lose a child you took as your own is just the begginning of a pain that goes without description. And I've had to endure the guilt of knowing if I'd have listened that things would be much different for me, much less the guilt of having let down & hurt a child like that.

I spent 24 hours in a motel here in Vegas yesterday, I simply couldn't roam the streets anymore. I laid in bed and just cried. Cried for what could've been, cried for Michele, cried for my friends back home, cried for the mess that things are, cried for the things I never got say to Michele, and cried for home. There was nothing I wouldn't have done to get back home - nothing.

The sad fact is that things were starting to change a little bit. I got to see Tina, which was double edged. Tina was my biggest supporter for years, there was no one I could have counted on more. But seeing her was always a bit tough due to the fact that she & Michele were best friends at one time. Then when she gave me news about Michele that I didn't want to hear, it felt as if all the blood in my body went right to my feet. I'll never forget that feeling until the day I die. I told her being there drinking with her was making me think about staying - it did. But right then and there I felt as if I had no option.

My roommate & I weren't getting along so I agreed to leave on my own. I could've gotten something else lined up, but due to the newly disclosed news - I just didn't look. The reason I was back there was to see Michele, nothing more - nothing less, and now that was never going to happen. The news not only took the wind out of my sails, but it destroyed the ship as well.

Then there was meeting Kevin, the guy I went to high school with who was just like my brother. Kevin & I hadn't sen each other in 10+ years, but we decided to get together for a few drinks and just talk. It was great, like no time had passed at all. The same references were still there, the same sense of humor - I really enjoyed seeing him again. And the whole crappy part of it is that there could've been more nights out every now & then, but I left. Again - guilt.

So I've spent the past month basically as a professional vagabond. All I do is roam around town all day looking for work, then hitting the bars at night. I have nowhere to call home as home is whatever casino I'm in at the time. I do have my phone however, but most of the time it's off as I hate unsolicited calls. I am truely a man without a country.

I must admit that my depression is as bad as it was the day I tried to kill myself - March 12th 2004, my parent's anniversary. I don't know exactly how many sleeping pills I took, but I know it was over 20. I took 2 handfulls as I figured that would be enough - I was wrong. To this day I avoid weddings and anniversaries as all they do is fuel my guilt compex. It's not that I'm unhappy about seeing people in love, it just hurts because I know what could've been. And in the end I'm to blame for it all.

So having said that, if there are any of you that have my email address - feel free to drop me an email. I have no short term plans on posting here anymore, so the only real way to contact me is by email. I need time to decide what's next for me. Do I leave Vegas and go elsewhere or do I stay here until the end? I just don't know. It's been a long almost 6 years, and I guess it really speaks to what a special person Michele as I just can't get here out of my head or my heart.

God Bless....