Conflicted

As I was washing my car last night, I had recognized this was the first time I'd actually had my car to wash in Vegas. It was an epiphany, and let me with a strange feeling. I guess maybe my previous stays in Vegas hadn't left me with the feeling that I was actually living the experience.

Then I started mulling over my feelings about change. Normally, I'm not someone who embraces change. But I guess it depends on what the change is, for example:

Since 2002 I've undergone tremendous change within myself, and in general, have become a better person. Then again, I also realize that the events of 2002 left me with no other option than to change - so I had to embrace it.

As far as moving to/from PA to Vegas and the change that entails, it's a mixed bag. Before 2002 I never truly had the urge to move from PA. I had thought about, even told Michele about it - but never really considered it. But after April 2002 it had to happen in my estimation. I couldn't emotionally handle being so close to Michele and not be able to see her. But since '02 and half a dozen or more moves later, I realize I'm going to have to battle that feeling wherever I go. The only upside of geographic distance is that I can walk the streets of Vegas and not have to worry about seeing her with someone else. Other than that, the emotional aspects will always follow me wherever I go.

The last time I was in PA I had a blast. I partied like a rock star and saw Kev & Tina - it was fun! But something seemed to be missing. For whatever reason, it didn't have that old "home" feeling I had had for over 22 years. I don't know what the problem was, but I didn't really take much time to ponder it either. I was living it up and having a good time.

But having a good time in PA and having a good time in Vegas are 2 different things. In PA, there are stricter rules as to how far you can take things. In Vegas, the field is widened - and debauchery is practically begged for from residents and visitors alike. And I guess that reflects changes in me. From '02 up until a few years ago there were guidelines I followed up to a point. Then I was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver and from that point on there have been no rules - no boundaries as to how crazy I'll get with my partying ways.

Some people may think this just ego building bullsh*t, but they'd be wrong. Tina was the first person to see exactly how bad things can get. The fact that she tolerated me was a miracle. She had to look at my old, flabby arse when I was pissing on the bushes, the near fight I got into, me stopping where she works multiple times when I was loaded, and she somehow puts up with my ramblings about how I miss a certain person.

I only have so many days to decide to stay in Vegas or go back, and time is slipping away.