Lyrics stuck in my head...

"Save Me" - Damageplan

Save me from myself I call out
But no one hears my plea
Burn my candle fast from both ends
Nightmares grow from dreams

You don't know, you can't see thrugh my eyes
So you don't know me
You don't know whats going through my mind
But can you help me

Save me from myself if you ever really cared
Save me from myself, tell me you're not scared


"Through These Eyes" - Lynch Mob

Morning comes too soon
Another day unfolds and the rains are cold
That fall on you
I wanna tell you
But I can't seem to get it
Can't seem to get it right
Oh, it's killing me
I realize that it cuts me deep inside
When I can feel in my soul
This empty whole you took from me
Cause on and on
You keep tellin' me the things that make you smile
If I could hold you somehow
And show you now
That the tears in vain will never ease the pain

Oh, I, I can only see
As far as you
You're never to far away
Oh my eyes can only see
What I feel for you

I could fly the heavens
Although the distance may be far
I'm just one dream away
And the tears will say
That there's no turning back
Quiet in my thoughts
Safe within myself
I reach out to a time
When you laid by my side
And oh how it felt so right
Don't you even worry now

Through these eyes

Intensity that grows within me
Reflections of my pain
I'll create or I'll destroy
But either way it's always in my veins

You don't know, you can't see through my eyes
So you don't know me
You don't know whats going through my mind

But can you help me

Save me from myself if you ever really cared
Save me from myself, tell me you're not scared

Save me... from me...

Feelin' It...

Save me from myself I call out
But no one hears my plea
Burn my candle fast from both ends
Nightmares grow from dreams

You don't know, you can't see through my eyes
So you don't know me
You don't know what's going through my mind
But can you help me

Save me from myself if you ever really cared
Save me from myself, tell me you're not scared

Intensity that grows within me
Reflections of my pain
I'll create or I'll destroy
But either way it's always in my veins

You don't know, you can't see through my eyes
So you don't know me
You don't know what's going through my mind
But can you help me

Save me from myself if you ever really cared
Save me from myself, tell me you're not scared

Save me from myself, if you ever really cared
Save me from myself, tell me you're not scared

Save me from myself, if you ever really cared
Save me from myself, tell me you're not scared

Save me from myself, if you ever really cared
Save me from myself, tell me you're not scared

Save me... from me... x5

Save me....x 2

Save me... from me

Save me....

Vegas - Day 1.

For a play by play of my visit to Vegas, you can go here, to my Myspace page.

Leaving for Vegas...

Well, it's finally time for me to go. I can't believe it's finally here - departure day. I'm finally going home to my adopted home of Las Vegas! Not only that, but I'm now less than 2 months away from finally moving back for good. Now maybe I can scrap the last 40 years & start over with a clean slate & a brand new start on life. But as optimistic as I am, I know there's some things I can never do away with completely.

1 Day - 2 Months...

One more day until I board the plane to Vegas, then another 2 months from today I make it official and move to Las Vegas. 2 months seems like a long time, but the days are passing fast and it'll be here in no time @ all. When I get back from Vegas I'm going to talk to our v.p. about helping find a job. I was thinking of maybe becoming a tech for Dish Network if it can be worked out. But time will tell in my trading a certain present for an uncertain future. What's the old saying? "With great risk comes great rewards". We'll see...

My Famous Tattoo!!!

Ok, well I'll settle for semi famous. Anyway, the guy who did it took a pic of it when he was done & posted on Atom Age's website. The pic can be found here. You have to click the right arrow as it's on the second page. His picture of it was way better than mine & it's easier to read. I'm thinking of getting another tat @ Hart & Huntingdon, but that's after I move back. What I'd get I don't know.

Vegas Rental...

So I decided *not* to rent a car while I'm in Vegas. Instead, I opted to rent a Harley Night Train.I mean, let's be pragmatic. Anybody can see Vegas in a car, but that takes away from the experience. Vegas demands that you take it all in, the sights, the sounds, the smell, all of it. And there's no better way than to do it from the seat of a bike. It's sort of ironic, but a little over 5 years ago when I was living in Spring Valley NV, I was almost killed on a bike when I was rear ended by a driver splitting lanes. The result of that accident looked like this:


Sorry for black & white pic, but it's how the local dealer in Vegas posted the pic in it's monthly newsletter. The rear tire & exhaust were replaced by used parts after the accident. So a few more inches more and I would be no more, but that was then & this is now and life must go on. Do I regret the time & money I spent coming back to PA so many times? Not for a split second. I needed to definitively know if I had any chance of gaining back what I lost in 2002. Now I have my answer, and now I can go back home. PA is now part of my past, but Vegas is my future.

Just a Few More Days...

Almost 4 & 1/2 days until I board the plane bound for Las Vegas & I'm starting to get excited! Not only about the trip, but also the fact I only have a 4 day work week helps as well. I think it's easier for me to be moving back this time, since now I know where I stand with a certain person. Now I know there's going to be no thoughts of coming back here **yet again**, this time is permanent. But hey, at least I won't have to shovel snow or worry about flooding in Vegas. Maybe I'll start packing my luggage tonight....who knows?

More Progress...

After having lunch with my sis & niece yesterday, I got a **little** more packing done. The hall closet is pretty much empty right now. In another month I'll start moving my stuff into storage little by little and leave only the necessities unpacked until the last week I'm here. I must say, I proud of myself for being so proactive about the move. And really, I'm not feeling bad. I stuck to my guns and finally made contact with Michele directly, and that's all I was hoping for. Her choice is to keep searching for someone who'll love her and stay by her side. My choice is to remain single and live with the fact that will be the love of my life for the rest of my life - period. Maybe it's time I give myself a pat on the back.

A Little Packing, a big Party!

I have some minor packing to get done this weekend, just some stuff from my hallway closet. After that, it'll be the usual "have lunch with my sis and watch a few DVDs" weekend. As for the party, here's the info. I'm having a "Leaving for Las Vegas" party October 3rd @ Legends (formerly Wanda's), starting @ noon. I encourage any of my friends and my co-workers who would like to attend to do so as I would like to get together with you all before I leave October 5th. Hope to see you all there!

Tired...

I don't know if it's the stress of the last few weeks, the stress of preparin gto move, or what - but I'm tired. And I mean **really* tired. When I get off of work I'm going to the state store and then right home to relax for the rest of the night. I need to start thinking about how I'm going to use my remaining vacation days, especially since I'll lose them if I don't use them before I leave. I'm just keeping my head up and thinking of what it's going to be like when I'm in Vegas again. The time there will be too short, but in October I'll make up for it when I get relocated for good.

The Cat is out of the Bag...

Yesterday the head of our department told out vice president that I'm leaving for Vegas. The v.p. was shocked, but has offered to call some of his contacts at Dish Network to see if there might be a possible position waiting for me when I get there. I've been at Impact Satellite almost a year and I have to say I work with truly great people. I am really blessed to be where I am for as long as I have been. I'm going to miss them when I'm gone.

"From womb to tomb - life is good, live it big!" -me

7 Days...

Until I start my mini-vacation to Vegas. Speaking of said city, we had an impromptu deparment meeting yesterday @ work when the subject of Vegas came up. My bosses boss says "Give me a percentage of you going to Vegas." My answer "95%". After all, he shouldn't be surprised - he had to physically console me 20 days ago when I got to work and was crying my eyes out. He's starting to sweat it already because he went from not hiring someone to replace me to hiring someone all of the sudden. Whatever he does after I leave is none of my concern, I'll have to focus 100% of my energy one getting established and getting my Nevada driver's license.

My bottom line is there's no point in me staying here. I'm satisfied that I've done all I can do here - my work is done. It's been almost 3 weeks since I did what I had to do - what my heart told me to do. And the following silence has been deafening. There's been no knock on my door, no vioce mail on either of my phones, and no text messages. And since my family's in Northeastern Ohio, which is economically **very** depressed-that's out. I still can't believe it's been 5+ years since my parents moved back there, I miss them a lot. But nonetheless, life goes on - but from now on it's moves forward in Las Vegas.

Still Hopeful...

As I look back on the past 7+ years I have to give myself credit. For the most part I hung in there, just hoping to get my shot @ communicating with 'Chele again. Than almost 3 weeks ago, I got that shot. In the span of a lifetime, it was just the blink of an eye, but it was more than I expected. I was finally able to tell her that I still care, that I still love her after all these years. And that blink of an eye was all I could've ever hoped for, much less gotten. And though my hopes were dashed, I still have hope. Hope that when I get back to Vegas in October that I can start again and have a decent life. Hope sustained me for all these years, and in reality it's all I have.

"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." - Dale Carnegie

Medical Update...

I just got back from my checkup with my doctor and the news was good. My blood pressure is back under control - going from 150\90 to 110\80. Then there's my weight. Since I started weight training a few weeks before Christmas last year I've lost 27 lbs! The only bad part was when we discussed my "liquid diet". From the look on his face I think I better get back to Vegas in October.

Insomniac...

After having lunch with my sister last Saturday I found out my family is having a big party for my dad for his 80th b-day in August. First I think about going, and then I ponder telling my family about Vegas during the party. Keep in mind ht this is shortly after 3AM this morning. After deciding **not** to tell them then (and thus averting ruining my dad's b-day), my mind races off in a million different directions. I think of the move, getting my NV driver's license, packing, leaving my job, and a ton of other things. Which leads me up to right now, and am I tired.

Nevada DMV vs. Penndot...

I used to work for Penndot (PA DMV) a few years back as a CSR. And you know what? Now I know why people get so pissed at Penndot. Penndot is overly cumbersome, whereas it seems Nevada's DMV is a smooth running machine. When I sent a request for a copy of the Nevada driver handbook, I got the following prompt, courteous response:

"Good morning,

Yes, we do. Please provide us your address and we can mail the driver handbook to you.
If I can be of further assistance, please do not hesitate to e-mail me back.

Sincerely,
Jackie Wright
DMV Technician II
Central Services Division

For more information or to obtain DMV forms, please visit our website at www.dmvnv.com or, you may contact a DMV representative by calling:

775-684-4368 for the Carson City / Washoe county area,
702-486-4368 for the Clark county area or
877-368-7828 for all other areas.

Our Phone Service hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. Monday - Friday.

Nevada Department of Motor Vehicles
Central Services Division
555 Wright Way
Carson City, NV 89711
Fax: 775-684-4992"

Eat your heart out Penndot.

Vegas Visit...

My mini vacation back to Vegas will be August 6th - 9th. I'm only taking a couple of days to fly out and check it out since I moved back here, but I'm still pretty excited about it. I'm anxious to see what's new and check out the job market, but the first place I'm going is back to my old haunt - The Luxor!

Leaving for Las Vegas...

So today's the day I put in for a day off so I can take a 3 day trip to Las Vegas. I'll be leaving from BWI, then catching a connecting flight to Chicago where I'll finish the trip to Vegas. It'll be interesting to get back for the 1st time in over a year. If there's one thing about Vegas, it's a constantly changing animal. But I really need to get out there and check out the job situation and see just how good\bad things are.

Air Force One...

Yes, **that** Air Force One, or at least one of them. One of the cool things about us being located near the airport in Middletown is that once a month Air Force One does "touch 'n' go's" at Harrisburg International Airport. And today was that day. The cool part is that it flies directly over our building at a few hundred feet, and the noise is amazing! One of these times I'm going to have ot get a picture of it before I leave for Vegas.

Focus...

Now that my packing has resumed in earnest, I have to turn my focus to some other things. First off, I have to try & find a job and a roommate in Vegas. Also, I need to study the Nevada driver's handbook online as it seems that's the only way you can read it. All the previous times I've been in Vegas I never gave up my PA driver's license. This time I see no reason not to, so I better be prepared. But at least if I get my packing pretty much complete, I'll have ample time to focus on other things related to the move.

Similarities...

Before I get into thi spost, let me explain something: my boss has been with his now wife for 6 years. They just got married last October. So he & I were out talking about his bitch of a wife on a smoke break today. It seems his was bitched at all weekend and made to sleep on the couch by his wife. He's now in the early stages os planning his divorce and subsequent move to Florida to be nearer to his mom. If he wasn't married to his wife, he'd have already been there by now. So because of his wife, he's forced to stay here because she refuses to move.

I too, am here because of a woman, or should I say woman & her family which I so dearly love. But it my case, I am leaving PA for Las Vegas in October. When I reached out to her 10 days ago and got no response, I knew I was going back to Vegas. There's no one left for me to appeal to anymore. I've written her dad & grandmother - then her, with nothing coming out of any of the 3 attempts. So I have to face the facts, I have no more hope of ever getting her back - period.

It's kinda of funny that he's here just to get rid of his wife & I was trying to get back the woman who I wanted as my wife. Sometimes life is funny.....

Packing Progress!!!

I'm proud of myself. Today I actually got some packing done! It took about 45 minutes and I got about 90% of the kitchen stuff packed! About 60% of the bedroom stuff is packed, but I still need some of it until the move in October back to Vegas. All in all, it was a good packing day! Now to mellow out, watch some UFC, and have a few gin & tonics before bed!

Sunset Over Mi Casa...

Well, the Long Island Iced Teas didn't work so well. At 12.7% proof it looks like I'll be up for a few more hours. But I took a pretty bitchin' shot of the sun ready to go down which is kinda cool...

Meh...

I had a busy day, but didn't even start packing again. I was way too busy going to KMart, the grocery store, the state liquor store, having lunch with my sis, cleaning my bathroom, and playing guitar to do anything else. So tomorrow I have to get started in earnest. I have some boxes and some tape and I'm ready to roll. At least I did get some things thrown out that I don't need to take with me. Tonight, it's a night at home with some DVDs & a bottle of pre-mixed long island iced tea!

End of Week...

So the work week is over and now it's going ot be a busy weekend. Tomorrow I have a hair appointment @ 10:30, then it's off to lunch with my sister & niece, then shopping, then it's time to do some serious packing to finish getting ready for the move to Las Vegas in October. Yeah, I know it's a bit early, but I just want to get it done so I'm not stressing before I leave.

A Long Week.

God, it's been a long week, and I'm totally drained. I'd like to call off work and just sleep all day, but I can't afford to. The emotional toll I've paid is huge, and I just feel completely drained. And then I have to face the fact that I have to talk to our v.p. about my going to Las Vegas.To be honest, it's all a bit much right now. This weekend should be fun, I hope to get some more packing done at the very least. My boss thinks it's funny that I would be packing so early, but I just don't want to wait until the last minute to do it. I want to leave knowing everything is done and all I have to do is drive.

Meeting with the V.P.

Not that vice-president, the v.p. of our company. My supervisor wants me to talk to our v.p. to see if there might be any job opportunities in Las Vegas for me with Dish Network. The bad part is that our v.p. has no idea I'm going to Vegas in October. But my supervisor wants me to do it so he can go to the v.p. with his plans for our department after I leave. I'm in no rush to do it, but will probably do it next week. After that generous raise they just gave me, he's going to be pissed.

Weekend Plans...

Or should I say plan? Besides having lunch with my sister & niece on Saturday, the only other thing I plan on accomplishing is getting the rest of my stuff packed up. It kinda bothers me because I should've had it done by now, but it'll get done. I need to make a few phone calls to see if my parents want to take my TV, and if any other family member wants any of the little bit of stuff I have left. And if it's not an absolute necessity, it's not going with me when I leave.

Into the bosses office.

So I get called into the big bosses office first thing this morning and he wants to know about my plans to move back to Las Vegas in October. I guess somebody took upon themself to tell him. So I told him the truth - I'm not here in PA for family or Impact Satellite, I'm here for someone else. And now that I know that it's never going to happen, I'm going back to Vegas. It was no more complicated or simple than that. Of course I was surprised when he didn't get pissed because they just gave me a big raise and I'm still leaving. But as he likes to say "It is what it is."

Las Vegas in October...

Ok, I've omitted something, and now it's time to confess. Last Friday I tried to appeal directly to Michele. I won't say how, but I did. And since then I've heard nothing back. To be honest, that was the last time I'll try to get her attention, I just can't do anymore than try to appeal to her directly. So given that, I've decided to stay @ Impact Satellite until October 10th and at that point I'll definitely be leaving for Las Vegas. I want to celebrate my 41st b-day in my adoptive home town. As I see it, there's nothing more that I can do. I can't call her-I don't have her phone #. I can't stop at her place-I have no address. I can't email her, I have no email address. So how did I contact her last Friday? Well, that's something only she & I will know.

A Full Day...

There's something I've been forgetting. I'd like to say congrats to my niece and her husband on the birth of their 2nd son - Owen Thomas Kuhns on July 4th! I can't wait to see both himself & his brother Westin over the Labor Day weekend! And I'm happy to say both mom & new baby are doing just fine! I'm so happy for my niece - she married a really great guy-a doting husband and father. They truly deserve each other!

Today will be a busy day. I have an Indycar race @ 1 and a Formula 1 race @ 3-talk about being busy! But after all these years I still love my racing!

Rough Day

Yesterday was rough, no doubt about it. From the time I last posted until the time I got to work, the sadness just multiplied exponentially. When I got to work I was **really** feeling it, but when I went to my desk it was just too much. I sat down, put my head in my hands - and cried. Just then one of my supervisors walked by and asked if I was ok. "I'm fine" I said, and then he asked me what was wrong. I told him, and he comforted me & put his hand on my shoulder. I knew he was in some small way feeling it too.

And yes I have decided to stay a little longer @ my job. One of the reason sis that I have such a great support structure @ work. I have 2 amazing supervisors @ a great man as a V.P., and just a fantastic owner & his wife. My uppermost supervisor asked several times throughout the day if I was ok and even called right before my shift ended to see if I was ok. I work with some great people - no doubt about it. But I struggled with it all day, and it wasn't easy - but I made it through.

Oh God - The Fu*king Pain!!!

Talk about being fuct, this morning got off to a bad start. Not more than 5 minutes ago, the unthinkable happened. I saw a picture of Michele (yes my Michele), and it stabbed me right in the heart. I can't describe the absolute torture I'm feeling right now-it's completely without description. But what I can tell you is that I was totally unprepared and it's overwhelming for me right now. I don't know how I'm going to get through today, it's going to be rough. I feel like I did 7+ years ago, like my heart was ripped out, thrown on the floor, and then burned to ashes. God give me the strength to get through this yet one more time.

New Tat!

Well, here's my new tat. It's simple, but makes a statement.

Fuc*!

Well, I spent about an hour @ Legends & had enough Long Island iced teas to make me comfortably numb. I came to find out my favorite bartender had left Legends a week or so ago, which sucks. Oh well just another reason to keep myself buzzed for the rest of the day. Party on!

Legends Time!!!

I'm fresh out of the shower and am getting ready to go to Legends! I'm hoping they're not having a wedding today, I always hate being around huge crowd of people. It's hard to believe that this is the first time I'll have been there since late October of last year.

New Arrival!

This is my new Dean "Dimebolt" guitar, I got it this afternoon. The bad part is that I haven't played it yet - either drunk or sober. Tonight's forecast - 100% chance of intoxication! I have a lot of gin & tonic, and a bottle of champagne to wash it down with. I hope everyone else is having a great time like I am! And if I am hungover tomorrow it really won't matter - I'll just be going to Legends to do shots anyway!

Last Day\A Curveball

Well today was my last day @ Impact Satellite. It would've been tomorrow, but Wednesday they sent us an email that we were going to have tomorrow off. But before I left, I got called into the owner's office. Not my bosses office, his boss's office, or the vice president's office - the owner. I wasn't really worried, after all it was my last day. For about an hour he tried to talk me into staying, but then he did something I didn't expect. He offer me a better than 10% raise. Needless to say it got my attention - my **full** attention. He also left me with an option to go back on Monday as if I'd never put in my 2 weeks notice.

So now I have 3 full days of being blitzed to think about it. And really I shouldn't even consider it. I should just go back to Vegas and live out the rest of my days. At least it hardly ever snows there, which is a nice perk. But if I stay here I'm just allowing myself to hold onto a false hope and that just isn't good.

My lease is up on the 15th of this month which is when I'll head back to Ohio to see my family and then make the drive back to Vegas. I just can't let money interfere with my decision, that's not what the last 7+ years of my life have been about. It isn't about money, it's all about love-no matter what pain & suffering I've had to deal with.

Change in Plans...

So after a night of drinking last night, I found I got a message on my answering machine. It was from the tattoo parlor where I'm getting my new tattoo. The guy who booked me for this Friday called and said he'd forgotten they're going to be closed on Friday. So I called them back and rescheduled for Thursday @ the same time. Well, being blitzed out of my mind, I forgot I don't get paid until Friday. So I called them back again today and rescheduled for next Monday (the 6th) @ 4:45PM. Man, I was really looking forward to getting it done on Friday.

My plans to go back to Ohio are off too. Now I'm just going to stay here and go to the Holiday Inn to Legends around 11AM on Saturday and do shots for a few hours. Then I'll come home and drink whatever I have in the fridge. This time I'm leaving PA for the last time, but before I do I'm going to party it up!

I like "Stripping"...

Nah, not like that. I mean real stripping...hitting the "Vegas Strip". Or at least that's what I call it when I visit the strip in Vegas. I've decided to skip my visit to Ohio and spend my time here in PA for another week until I leave. I have my tattoo scheduled for Friday @ 3, then I'll spend Saturday at Legends doing shots for a few hours. After that it's off to Gettysburg and a few other places until I pack my car to get to Las Vegas again. Who loves ya Vegas? I do!

3 in a Row!!!

Tonight will mark my 3rd night in a row of getting sh*tfaced drunk. I get drunk 7 days a week, but not as drunk as I will have been these past few days. I'm so excited to be getting my 7th tattoo! Who would've thought, after several years ago I thought only inmates & deviants got tattoos. Oh well, I guess that makes me a deviant, eh? Let the drinking begin!!!!

Part 2...

I had sooo much fun last night I decided to do it again tonight - minus the packing. So tonight it's just gin & tonic, and maybe a little guitar playing to go along with it. And I am really stoked about getting my new tattoo next Friday! Woot!

Packing Drunk...

The work week is over & it's time to party! And pack... I'm not quite done, butI'm getting there. I also scheduled my last appointment for a tattoo next Friday @ 3 @ Atom Age Tattoo by my apartment. I always enjoy getting a new tat, it's a lot less pain than other pain I've experienced in my life. Havin gsaid that, let the drinking - and packing commence!

Forging Ahead...

In spite of the mention of a possible raise, I put my 2 week notice in @ work yesterday. I was told that they weren't going to hire someone just in case I decide to stay, which isn't going to happen. Las Vegas is like a good wine - once you get the first intoxicating taste of it you just want more & more. And whereas hendonism is generally looked down on in most parts of the U.S., Vegas celebrates it, much less promotes it on a grand scale.

The time for me to stop fooling myself starts now. It's tim efor me to wake up to the fact that now matter how many times I come back here, or how much time I stay here, I'm never getting back who I came for. It's a painful realization, but it has to be made. With my liver gettin gmore & more painful and more and more constant, I deserve to enjoy myself and have a good time before my final cutain falls.

It's Time...

For me to put in my 2 week notice @ work. Even though there has been promises of a substantial raise, my mind is made up - I'm going back to Las Vegas. There's no point in me staying here, most of my family is in Ohio, and I'm never going to see\hear from Michele ever again. So the whole "Return to Vegas" thing worked itself out naturally. But then again, that's usually what happens in life, things just work themselves out one way or another.

The Agony...

My liver disease is getting worse - much worse. Not that that it bothers me, although I had about 10 seconds of intense pain yesterday when I sat down. It felt like what getting jabbed in the side with a spear would probably feel like. But I refuse to stop drinking, period. It's all I have to combat my loneliness and the memories of the life I should've been living right now.

Ok, I'm Guilty...

Of being nostalgic this week. Last night I got way too drunk & pulled out some old video I had from high school. It was a video of myself, Lauren & Larry the night after we took a road trip to Washington D.C. Lauren & Larry were an item in high school, and for a while after that. I thought they would go the distance, but it wasn't meant to be. I remained friends with both of them for a few years after high school, but as most high schools friendships go, neither friendship lasted more than 5 years after we graduated.

To this day I miss Lauren a lot. She was a cheerleader & very popular, but was not a bit stuck up like some people were who were "somebody" in high school. Neither were her friends - Chris, Christie, or Jill. Thinking back on it now, I always felt a need to protect her, she was a great person-almost to a fault. To this day I feel lucky to have had her as a friend

Maybe it's just me being so lonely, but I wish I could reconnect with some of the people I went to school with. But then again, maybe it's not meant to be.

The Weasel...

Well, my boss (John G.) didn't put in his 2 week notice yesterday. Instead, he met with his supervisor (John R.) and decided to stay for another month to see what happens. We were also told that raises would be forthcoming in the near future. Now to the "Weasel" part.

The new guy was sent out yesterday to make deliveries - all fine & dandy. I was told that he wouldn't be back by the time John G. & I clocked out for the day @ 4PM. As I was on my lunch break around 3:45 the new guy came back. So naturally I wondered what was going on. He walks into the building, announces he hasn't taken a lunch break, and promptly leaves @ 3:50. And I also found out he didn't make all his deliveries - which really pissed both Johns off royally.

Anytime the new guy wants to get out of doing something he doesn't like, he always weasels his way out of it. Hence, I gave him the nickname "Weasel", right alongside some other less socially acceptable names. Well, maybe now they'll just fire him first thing Monday morning. I can only hope that I've worked my last 8 hours with the guy.

22 Years Ago...

It was 22 years ago today a group of us headed to Ocean City MD for "Senior Week". It was quite a week to say the least - hedonism at its best for 7 days. The party went on & on with no letup, or let down. I can still remember going to the mall with Mark and being so totally s*itfaced that I could barely hold my head up, much less walk a straight line. Fortunately for me, I still have the video of the week's events. That's a good thing considering how little I remember. For me the real party started there, and hasn't stopped since. So tonight, I'll have a few in remembrance of those good times and to the people who I shared them with.

Friday = D-Day?

My boss is still going to put in his 2 weeks notice. The only question is when. He was dead set on doing it tomorrow, but he may put it off another week. The only sure thing is that he **is** leaving Impact Satellite. If he waits until next week, both he & I will both put our notices in. I guess I'll have to wait & see. But before I wrap this up, let me leave you with this quote from a co-worker:

"If it tastes like chicken, keep on lickin'. If it tastes like trout, get the f**k out." - Barry Heffelfinger

And so it will be...

The weekend is over and my supervisor is still putting his 2 week notice in this Friday. I'm glad he didn't change his mind, but after last Friday - I didn't think he would. He & his boss have a meeting with the company v.p. sometime today about our department-I'm glad I'm not directly involved. I'm not letting anything get to me these next few weeks, or trying anyway. My last day @ work will be without the new guy-he's taking a vacation day. At least I know I'll have some peace before I leave. July 4th weekend is going yo be a huge party weekend for me.

Now it gets interesting!

The people @ work know I'm leaving for Vegas, but they think I'm leaving in the middle of July. Well, today things changed - I will be leaving earlier than mid July. In the middle of the day my supervisor (who is more like a buddy), announced he's putting in his 2 week notice net Friday. And now I will be putting in my notice the following Friday - the 19th. So let's see what this leaves the company:

2 new guys, both who don't fully know their jobs yet - even after 3+ months on the job. The staff of our department will go from 4 people to 2 noobies, just as our busy season kicks in. And my bosses' boss is already begging me not to leave. I can only imagine how he'll be groveling after John puts in his notice next Friday.

But I will not be deterred. Not by anyone or anything. I've spent thousands upon thousands of dollars coming back & forth to PA to try and get Michele back, but this time is definitely the final time. Her life has gone on happily without me, and I owe it to myself to reach some level on contentment before my liver finally gives out on me.

My last day at work will be July 3rd. Then I'm off to Ohio to see my family before I drive back to Las Vegas from Ohio.

Management Make a Move....

Yesterday I got called into my supervisor's bosses office for about an hour. Why? So he could try to talk me out of leaving. It was a nice try, but fell on deaf ears. The situation with my co-"worker" has gotten out of control. My blood pressure rises & falls multiple times a day, which makes me dizzy....and isn't good for me. There's only so much someone can take before something gives, and I'm about to my limit. And besides, management doesn't know the whole story anyway. And if they did, would it really make any difference?

For Michele...

"Without Your Love" -TNT

Last night I saw a lady
Standing by the fire
She smiled and told me
I was always her desire
But you, you came in to my mind
Once again
I knew that love is what I need
'Cause...

[Chorus:]
I've been lost without your love
I've been lost without your love
I've been lost without your love
(Never ever fall in love again)

Now I, I can't believe
We'll always be apart
You, you took away the
Love in my heart

[Chorus:]
I've been lost with out your love
I've been lost with out your love
I've been lost with out your love

Early Departure?

It looks as if I may leave for Las Vegas earlier than I thought. WE hired a new guy in my depart a little over 3 months ago and the guy has turned out to be a total tool. He doesn't know what he's doing, and today he played solitaire in our warehouse for 40+ minutes. The sad part is that no one wants to fire the guy, and him playing games while I worked was the last straw. So having said that, I may accelerate my leaving to the end of June. I mean, I leaving anyway, so leaving a little early won't hurt - it's only 2 weeks sooner. Besides, they can find out how little this guy does after I'm gone when nothing gets done. July in Vegas - it'll be hot, but it'll be nice to be home.

Seven Pounds.

I just finished watching the Will Smith movie "Seven Pounds". It's about a man who's trying to deal with the sudden loss of his wife in a traffic accident, but finds himself in the struggle of his life. For me, it hit home just a little too hard. It brought back a lot of memories - good and bad. Maybe it's true - some wounds never heal, they just leave a huge scar on your heart & mind. And with a month & half left until I leave for Vegas, it makes me feel like I had one wish that could be granted. And if I had that wish, it would be to see Michele one last time, if only for a few minutes.

LIghts, camera,.....pack?

Well, it's about a month & a half until I depart for Las Vegas. That's leaves me in a conundrum of sorts. That being what to keep & pack up & what to throw away. I've always hated moving for the most part, but in the last 7+ years I've gotten pretty adept at it. But as good as I've gotten at it, I still hate the process. So this morning I'm going to get some boxes from the state liquor store and start packing. I need some gin anyway, so it's not just a 1 dimensional trip.

The fact is, I can't take a whole lot since I'll be needing the back seat of my car to sleep on for a while. But after you've already stripped your life down to the bare essentials you know what's important and what's not. Being homeless on the streets of Las Vegas & Myrtle Beach taught me a lot. I've learned a lot from therapy and just scraping by on my own instincts. It's amazing what you discover from having nothing. Things like Ipods, tv's, and other "wants" become useless when you're just trying to find something to eat.

Back in '73.

This is a picture of me & my oldest niece back in 1973. It's funny, but I was wearing my dad's boots - I loved those things! I was actually kinda a cute kid - WTF happened? Then there was 4th grade when the girls liked me for some reason. Now, the women are gone and I'm done with dating. If I can't be with who I want/need to be with, I'll be by myself - with a bottle in hand to kill the pain.

Back in PA.

So my trip to Ohio is now over. I spent Friday night with my parents, Saturday my brother,his wife, my nephew, my 2 nieces, and my two great nephews came over. It was a full house, to say the least. But I enjoyed it. It was the first time I've seen my niece since her divorce proceedings, on which I gave her congrats. It was a good night. Sunday, my brother and his family came over again and Monday my niece brought my 1 & 1/2 year old great nephew over. I got to play with him for a while - it brought back memories. Michele's daughter was only a years older than he is and it just brought back a flood of memories. So it was bittersweet to say the least.

In the course of the weekend I never dropped the "Las Vegas Bomb" on my family. My dad was having chest pains and I was afraid of telling him I was going back to Las Vegas. So I'm thinking about going back to Ohio for the 4th of July and telling them then. That is, if my Dad's health is better by then. But they're going to have to find out sometime, the time is coming soon.

But it was a good 3 days - very relaxing. But as I drove away from my parent's house, watching my oldest sister & parents wave goodbye - I felt that same old feeling. With my parents both turning 80 in the next few years, how many more visits would I have before one of them was gone. It's something I just don't want to dwell on.

Ohio.

So here I am, back in Ohio visiting my family. I know at some point the subject of Las Vegas has to come up in coversation. I know my Dad will be heartbroken, but it's something I have to do. That city has a pull on me that no other has had - period. I guess I'll have to find a way to slip it in somehow, some way.

On the positive side, I got my Dad's new computer up & running for him. At least I can do little things to make his life easier. But I'll leave here concerned for his health. Between his diabetes, 5 heart attacks, deteriorating vision, and other health problems, it gives me more than a little cause for concern. It's hard to watch a parent in their twilight years in such a decline.

And God alone knows how much I dread getting a phone call that the worst has happened. So this Memorial Day weekend, be safe, enjoy time with your friends and family, and take a moment to remember those who gave all.

The Deadline.

Today is the day I have to make my intentions known to my landlord, and they're not going to like it. After a lot of thought, and a meeting with my supervisors, I have decided to go back to Las Vegas. It's strange, every time I left PA these last 7+ years I thought I was homesick. And maybe I was. But I really miss Vegas, with all it's hedonistic values and 24/7/365 "party it up" lifestyle. The difficult part in all this will be telling my family next weekend what my plans are. But tonight I'm going to let the gin & tonics flow as free as the Mississippi River - the party starts @ 6:30 and runs all weekend. I love ya Las Vegas!

The Picture becomes clearer?

So my supervisor comes back home today after 4 days in Florida to see his mom & step-dad. He's told me before that if his marriages falls through that he would move to Florida to be nearer to his mom. And this morning he mentioned it again, this time with more serious intent. To put it bluntly, his marriage sucks. His wife has her head in the clouds and her feet way off the ground. He married her to appease her - not a good idea. So this fits in to my decision to/not to move back to Las Vegas. If he's pretty sure he's going to move, then so am I. I took my job because he seemed like a great guy during my interview and he is. He's more of a buddy than a boss. So now I even have more to think about in the next few days. I only have until Friday @ 6PM to get something to my landlord saying I'm leaving.

Home Decor.

Some people go to great lengths to decorate their homes, not me. I don't exactly recycle, but I do use some used items to decorate.

Day of (In)decision.

My lease expires on my apartment on July 15th. Therefore, I must give them written notice of my intentions by next Friday - no later. Right now my heart says stay - 110%, but the rational side of me says go. Go back home, to the place I call "The Devil's Playground" - Las Vegas. And after all, what friends I had here are now gone, and they have their own lives to live with no space left for me. My sister lives locally, but I hardly ever see her. There's pull in both directions, but which will win out? Maybe things will become clearer after several gin & tonics - I can only hope.

And to all you Moms out there - Have a happy Mother's Day!

Pivot Points.

Maybe it's just me getting older, but I'm getting more & more introspective. This morning I woke up & my mind leaped into gear and I pondered life's little "pivot points".

According to one online dictionary, pivot is described as follows:

"A person, thing, or factor having a major or central role, function, or effect."

So here's what I came up with as a few crucial pivot points in my life:

Michele:
16 years later I can still tell you exactly what she was wearing the first time I noticed her. She was a goddess on earth - God's perfect woman. She brought out some of my best qualities, even when I was such an asshole. Being with her changed me, being without her has changed me a million times more. Nothing in life ever prepared me for losing her & her family. The asshole I was died the second I walked out her door for the last time. And even though there have been women since her, none of them can even come close to what she is to me. Her loss was my own personal version of Armageddon.

The therapy years:
A direct result of the above. When my world collapsed and I hit rock bottom at the speed of light, I knew I had to get help. Therapy forced me into dealing with the crap I'd been dealing with for years. Kirk Hammett said "They crack you open like an egg", and he was right. It wasn't fun, but it definitely worked.

9/11:
The horror & tragedy of that day is still fresh, even after almost 8 years. After that, I knew life would never been the same.

"Someday" - Cross fade

Someday I'll talk about it,
One day I'll mention it to you.
Someday I'll be over this,
And strong like you
I'm never changing,
I can feel this way for days and days
Look you straight in the face and fake my smile.

Take this hurt away,
Bring back yesterday,
I could say sorry,
In a thousand ways,
You won't let this be,
Without cutting me,
Can't put this bottle down,
As I watch this day fade into night

My blessings,
My faults,
I've learned all the lessons,
That cannot be taught,
Any abuses,
That I've brought,
No more excuses,
I want a new start.

With all our lies
There's no wondering why
Things aren't working anymore
Now I'm feeling fine,
Flying higher,
Got the chance to start again.

My blessings,
My faults,
I've learned all the lessons,
That cannot be taught,
Any abuses,
That I've brought,
No more excuses,
I want a new start.

Someday I'll talk about it,
One day I'll mention it to you.
Someday I'll be over this,
And move on like you,
move on like you.

I'm ready to go
Ready to leave
Why don't you answer the radio.
Ready to go,
Just watch me leave,
So hard to see,
When I'm on my way down

Easter Memories.

It was 7 years ago today that I shot the video that I will always keep & cherish. It's of Michele & her daughter coloring Easter eggs. It's hard to believe that it's been 7 years we've been apart, and I still think of them every day. In the last 7 years Michele has been the only one to give me a chance, every other woman has written me off or shut me out. Tonight I'm going to watch that video, and thank God for the memories. And then I'll mourn what should've been, had I not messed things up.

Pain & Despair....

Another f**king disaster. At least my lease runs out soon & then it's back to Las Vegas & life back on the streets.

Uninvited Guest.

It's always bad when someone comes to visit you when you're passed out after a good bender. That happened to me last night. After a night that included 151, Captain & Ginger-Ale, beer , and some sleeping pills - came a knock at my door....and I was in bed - passed out. Good thing I was so drunk or I would've gone to the door - pissed. I open the door and there in front of me stands a cop, and I was like "What the F**k is this?" It turns out that one of my few remaining friends thought something seriously bad was going to happen and the cop was here to check on me. I've got to learn to stop "drunk dialing" people and just write about everything the day after. If the cops came here every time I drink, they'd need an officer assigned just to check up on me.

Bummed.

I'm bummed for my supervisor John. He's known his wife for 5 years now and they just got married last Oct. 11th & things are (or have) fallen apart. John can't catch a break, his wife just nags him about everything. The sad part is she knew what his hobbies are before they married and she still nags him about them. At least my niece's divorce will become final on the 11th of this month.

In better news, I found a new drink I really love!!!! Spiced Captain Morgan (100 proof), and ginger-ale. It tastes just like a creme soda soft drink - yum!!! My liver doesn't like it though - it was reminding me I sailed with the captain last night. Oh well, it got me away from the 151 for a night anyway, but tonight it's back to the old 151-beer-151-beer-pills combination. I think for Valentine's Day I 'll just start drinking after I get up and drink 'till I pass out.

Leaving For Vegas.

I just finished watching "Leaving Las Vegas" and it could've been about me - minus the hookers and the BMW Nick Cage drove. Oh, and I don't drink in the shower - the drinks get too watered down. But when I take a bath I sometimes drink beer, no water gets in the can that way. The movie brought back memories of my last stay in Vegas, and a harbinger of things yet to come when I get back. What is to come should be called "Las Vegas - the final act."

Uncle Sam does Vegas!

Ok, let me rephrase that. Uncle Sam is paying me to go back to Las Vegas. How? I'm getting a larger tax return than I initially expected, which will pay my way back to Vegas. This past week @ work wasn't so bad, but we didn't hire anyone either. Our V.P.'s mother passed away from cancer, so that put a delay in our plans to hire someone. The good news is that the guy John (my supervisor) and I like is still available to work for us. But I still took a half day off yesterday to go interview for another position in case I'd decide to stay here in PA.

I'm happy that I decided not to buy any furniture when I got back here last July. I'd just have to get rid of it like I did last time I left for Vegas. The only stuff I'd need to take would be my clothes and my TV and PC. Then again I may just get rid of the PC & get a new one when I get to Vegas. But the TV is new and I'd hate to get rid of it.

Another Week....

The weekend is officially over (bleh), and I have to go back to work. I can't help but wonder if one of these days will be my last or not. It wouldn't take much to encourage me to put my 2 weeks notice in, or just go to lunch and not go back at all. I can only blame myself for this situation. I should've stayed in Vegas the 1st time I went and not came back. I knew that Michele would never come back to me, no matter how I've changed or what I've done to improve myself. I should've just stayed there, at least it's warmer there. So noe I have to wonder and wait until the shortest straw is pulled and then go from there. And right now, it could be pulled at any moment.

Vegas is Getting Closer.

They finally started interviews @ work to fill the position that has been vacant in our department for 2+ months now. I sent the following email to my sister about the week @ work:

"Well, Monday the interviews started (and ended), but not because they hired someone. The first guy that came in John didn't care for, the second guy who came we both liked, the 3rd guy has some issues, and the 4th & 5th people canceled. I say the 3rd guy has issues because he's had assault charges, disorderly conduct charges, a DUI, & resisting arrest charges. So they have yet to hire anyone, let alone schedule a 2nd round of interviews.

Being buried in work with no help and management dragging their feet, having to go to the doctor for a checkup ($75 - that I can't spare, needing an eye exam ($700-$800, which again I don't have), having to get my tax returns so I declare bankruptcy, and being off my anti-depressants for 2 months has almost made me leave. I almost walked out of work today and didn't go back.

At this point I'm considering not continuing to take my anti-anxiety pills since I'll have to fork out $75 an office visit every now & then for something I've been taking for years now. I'm just burnt-out, exhausted in every possible way imaginable."

There's going to be a full scale mutiny @ work someday. People in other departments are as equally fed up as my supervisor & I are, maybe even more so. I need to start doing some things to prepare myself to go back to Las Vegas, such as get boxes to put stuff in & clean out my storage unit. My leaving is still a few months off, but I think this time it's going to be good for me. Las Vegas has a way of washing you clean, allowing you to start with a clean slate and not be the person you were before. Things here will never be the way I want them to be & it's time I finally fully accept that fact.

I've finally accepted the fact that the only woman I want to be married to is long gone back down the road and the rest of my life will consist of me & me only. When I get back to Vegas it'll be time to buy another Harley and get back to my motorcycling family. The only group of people who have ever accepted me as I am, the only people who have stuck by me through thick and thin. And God knows there's been a lot of thin in the past few years.

But Tina has stayed by me for 15 years, and Michele did as long as she possibly could until the pain I put on her & Brit got to be too much. I'll never blame her for anything - period. So Las Vegas - get ready. In a few months I'll be back, and the party can start off where it left off. Who love ya Las Vegas? I do!

Taxes & Las Vegas.

We got out first round of interviews in @ work. We had 1 guy cancel and 3 others showed up. Of the 3, I only liked one guy. One seemed disinterested, and the other is on work release until this Friday. But I'm still continuing to look elsewhere for employment, and elsewhere includes Las Vegas. I'm expecting a tax refund, which I very well may use to get out of here. I'm not just at the end of my rope, I'm hanging off the end of it by one hand while being thrashed against the cliffs of a mountain.

It just seems like everyday at work I start to wear down around noon, and I have no explanation as to why this is. It just feels as if I'm in quicksand and the more I try to free myself the harder the struggle becomes & the deeper I sink. Maybe it's just a case of "Cabin Fever" or the mid winter blahs, I don't know. It's just that the same thing everyday is eating away at me. Maybe I just need to get out & do more with myself.

The time is 151....

Or should I say time for 151? Last week was a tough week @ work. My supervisor ran the forklift into the wall in the warehouse - leaving a huge hole in the new building. He thought for sure he'd be fired, but he wasn't. I was a little let down, since I figured when he left I'd be right behind him - leaving no one full-time in our department. I still continue to look for new work opportunities, I need something with cheaper health benefits & hopefully closer to home.

My depression has gotten better since New Year's Eve & the holidays are over. I guess the next mountain I have to climb is Valentine's Day. I'm out of vicodin, but I can always find something to help me self-medicate with.

Bailing Out?

With all the stress of things @ work and everything else going on, it's all finally starting to take its toll on me. Yesterday all I did was sleep and watch a few movies, and today I woke up aching and tired. My eyes feel like they've been replaced by hot coals and they burn like fire. If I had the strength and willpower right now I'd just load up my car and head back to Las Vegas. But I'd never make it past maybe Pittsburgh right now with how I'm feeling. I'm tired and just flat out worn out, and am ready to check out of here. I haven't felt this level of stress in a long time, and I'm glad I haven't.

One vicodin left!

I should really get all my teeth pulled just to get the vicodin. I had my 2nd to last one last night - I ended up chewing it up so it would kick in faster, & it worked. I'm going to miss the vicodin, but sleeping pills are still legal and I can get as many of them as I want. And if the point comes where they don't work as well as they used to, I can just do shots of 151. Physical pain can be remidied permamnently, but emotional pain can only be erased for short periods. But after doing it all these years, I have become somewhat of an expert on making short term relief longer term.

Beer + Vicodin + Sleeping Pills = Euphoria

Tonight is the most content I've been in ages, I'm euphoric even! My work life has gone into the crapper, my personal life is me living like a hermit, and there's not much more looking good. Las Vegas keeps crying my name, and I keep listening. But maybe my isolation is a good thing, since anyone who gives a damn about me can't really see the ugliness I live in. And the other just choose to refuse the reality of what my life has become - including most of my family.

But it is what it is - and I made it so, and I accept all responsibility for what I've done. No none is my scapegoat - I own up to it all. But one thing I have decided is to go back to my 2nd family - my motorcycling family and more specifically my Harley family. They accept me for all my faults - warts and all, just as some of my family does. The only other person that has shown my unconditional acceptance in my 40 years is Tina - and God Bless her & her family. She's seen my ups & downs, and has been there through it all. I can't express in words my appreciation for her friendship.

But the vicodin, beers, and pills are taking their toll and I need to wind down before I finally crash for the night.

New Info. from the Boss.

I found out some bad news from the boss yesterday, and that's leading me to worry even more now. It turns out the last time the department was short handed, he got a write up because the dept. was unable to keep up with the workload. That's not good news considering the boss is already on the edge and ready to walk out at any minute, and the fact that we're at least a week behind as far as being caught up is concerned.

I'd better get some solid plans together, & quick. This house of card could collapse at any second & I need to be rady to move when the time rolls around. As the old saying goes, "Most people don't plan to fail - they fail to plan."

Vegas, coming soon.

Well, I'm starting to make real plans for returning to Vegas. I had a talk with my boss, and he's also looking for a new job. We're both tired and worn out - period. And if he's leaving, then I don't want to work for anyone else.

As I was watching "Intervention" on TV tonight, I realized one thing - Interventions are blackmail. "If you don't do this, then I'm taking this away from you." You know what - I don't care. My family overlooks what I do, and my work isn't bothered by it. No intervention in my life is going to save me - I refuse to rehab.

So let me go my way, that's all I ask. I don't think that's too much for someone to deal with. My job has worn me down, my depression isn't all that bad, and I hink make it yet again in Vegas. Well, thr beer & pills are kicking in....it's time for bed - and the only peace I get all day.

Vegas Calling?

Things at work are getting pretty dismal. Bobby was supposed to come in to work today, but called in and said he had to go to court. But before hanging up, he said he'd be in at 10. So around 11 he calls and says he doesn't know when he'll be in - he never showed up. So our management waited for Bobby to come up, but the only thing he - he dosen't come in when he's scheduled. So we;re back to ground zero - just John and I in a a department that needs 3 people to keep up with the workload.

I actually looked at John this afternoon and said "You know, if I had all the money I needed right now I'd just leave - pack the car and go to Vegas." So a return to Vegas may be imminent, but not immediate. I'm looking to finish out January at work and then go back to Vegas. Yeah, Vegas was a tough haul, but my God was it fun!!! The city where anything goes, and better yet - goes untold.

So keep the lights on Las Vegas, it's only a matter of time until I bask in your light once again.

Work Malaise...

Saturday was a good day @ work - we got one of our former employees back, Bobby. Bobby was gone for about a month & a half, and we all really missed him. Not only is he a damn hard worker, but he's a genuinely nice guy and a total gentleman. Yeah, he's nothing like me at all. Before Bobby left, we always exchanged the same greeting each morning - "What it do?" Yeah, a simple saying - but it's all in the way he said it that made it funny. I missed that few simple seconds of my day because it always made me laugh.

But even with Bobby back for 16 hours a week, I doubt we'll be able to get out from under the mountain of work we've accumulated over the past few months. So I'll continue to look for work elsewhere - both here in PA & back in Las Vegas. From what I hear, things in Vegas haven't been good as casino employees have been laid off, & plans for new construction have been put off.

But no matter how hard things have been since 2002, I always seem to land on my feet somehow. My grandma lived to be 98 - I guess I do have a lot of her in me.

Amusing...

I love it when people send me comments "Anonymously". I love it even more when people tell me why I do what I do and then proceed to pass further judgment. But at 40, I learned that that other people think really doesn't matter. I'm sure these same judgmental people have skeletons in their closet that I personally could care less to comment on, much less judge them on. This blog was written primarily for me to have written record of events - period. It wasn't meant to give people the freedom to knock me down at will whenever they feel it necessary. If you don't like what I write - then don't friggin' read it. Don't click the bookmark, don't visit the blog...just don't. I think Pantera had it right:

"Be yourself, by yourself
Stay away from me"

Cutting Weight.

It's a new year and changes are going to be made. Since high school, most of my friends are no longer that - friends. Some just lost interest, and others don't want to watch me continue down the path I'm on. I have to face facts, if I knew someone who was terminally ill - I might have to back out myself. I wouldn't want to watch them decline and then finally pass on. That's not how I would want to remember them, and it would be too painful anyway. So I understand why some of them have chosen to not be friends anymore.

But I'll think about them from time to time, but there won't be anymore text messaging or emails asking them to meet me for dinner. Besides, I spend a lot of time @ work and the people there generally like me. My supervisor is a great guy and a good friend, our V.P. is the same - great guy and someone I can go to with anything. The people @ work aren't just friends, they're my family.


And since most of my family if 250 miles away, it's a blessing for me to have them in my life. Not many people can say that about the people they work with. So to those of you that have decided to keep your distance - that's fine. Thank you for at some point being a friend. It's not that I don't care anymore, it's just that I have have the energy to spend thinking about someone who no longer thinks about me. I've tried contacting former friends to no avail, and I just refuse to do it anymore. But even if they didn't contact me back, I hope something I've written, texted, or said, took hold. That's all I can ask in the end, to leave some sort of mark with my former friends - hopefully not all scars.