Uncle Sam does Vegas!

Ok, let me rephrase that. Uncle Sam is paying me to go back to Las Vegas. How? I'm getting a larger tax return than I initially expected, which will pay my way back to Vegas. This past week @ work wasn't so bad, but we didn't hire anyone either. Our V.P.'s mother passed away from cancer, so that put a delay in our plans to hire someone. The good news is that the guy John (my supervisor) and I like is still available to work for us. But I still took a half day off yesterday to go interview for another position in case I'd decide to stay here in PA.

I'm happy that I decided not to buy any furniture when I got back here last July. I'd just have to get rid of it like I did last time I left for Vegas. The only stuff I'd need to take would be my clothes and my TV and PC. Then again I may just get rid of the PC & get a new one when I get to Vegas. But the TV is new and I'd hate to get rid of it.

Another Week....

The weekend is officially over (bleh), and I have to go back to work. I can't help but wonder if one of these days will be my last or not. It wouldn't take much to encourage me to put my 2 weeks notice in, or just go to lunch and not go back at all. I can only blame myself for this situation. I should've stayed in Vegas the 1st time I went and not came back. I knew that Michele would never come back to me, no matter how I've changed or what I've done to improve myself. I should've just stayed there, at least it's warmer there. So noe I have to wonder and wait until the shortest straw is pulled and then go from there. And right now, it could be pulled at any moment.

Vegas is Getting Closer.

They finally started interviews @ work to fill the position that has been vacant in our department for 2+ months now. I sent the following email to my sister about the week @ work:

"Well, Monday the interviews started (and ended), but not because they hired someone. The first guy that came in John didn't care for, the second guy who came we both liked, the 3rd guy has some issues, and the 4th & 5th people canceled. I say the 3rd guy has issues because he's had assault charges, disorderly conduct charges, a DUI, & resisting arrest charges. So they have yet to hire anyone, let alone schedule a 2nd round of interviews.

Being buried in work with no help and management dragging their feet, having to go to the doctor for a checkup ($75 - that I can't spare, needing an eye exam ($700-$800, which again I don't have), having to get my tax returns so I declare bankruptcy, and being off my anti-depressants for 2 months has almost made me leave. I almost walked out of work today and didn't go back.

At this point I'm considering not continuing to take my anti-anxiety pills since I'll have to fork out $75 an office visit every now & then for something I've been taking for years now. I'm just burnt-out, exhausted in every possible way imaginable."

There's going to be a full scale mutiny @ work someday. People in other departments are as equally fed up as my supervisor & I are, maybe even more so. I need to start doing some things to prepare myself to go back to Las Vegas, such as get boxes to put stuff in & clean out my storage unit. My leaving is still a few months off, but I think this time it's going to be good for me. Las Vegas has a way of washing you clean, allowing you to start with a clean slate and not be the person you were before. Things here will never be the way I want them to be & it's time I finally fully accept that fact.

I've finally accepted the fact that the only woman I want to be married to is long gone back down the road and the rest of my life will consist of me & me only. When I get back to Vegas it'll be time to buy another Harley and get back to my motorcycling family. The only group of people who have ever accepted me as I am, the only people who have stuck by me through thick and thin. And God knows there's been a lot of thin in the past few years.

But Tina has stayed by me for 15 years, and Michele did as long as she possibly could until the pain I put on her & Brit got to be too much. I'll never blame her for anything - period. So Las Vegas - get ready. In a few months I'll be back, and the party can start off where it left off. Who love ya Las Vegas? I do!

Taxes & Las Vegas.

We got out first round of interviews in @ work. We had 1 guy cancel and 3 others showed up. Of the 3, I only liked one guy. One seemed disinterested, and the other is on work release until this Friday. But I'm still continuing to look elsewhere for employment, and elsewhere includes Las Vegas. I'm expecting a tax refund, which I very well may use to get out of here. I'm not just at the end of my rope, I'm hanging off the end of it by one hand while being thrashed against the cliffs of a mountain.

It just seems like everyday at work I start to wear down around noon, and I have no explanation as to why this is. It just feels as if I'm in quicksand and the more I try to free myself the harder the struggle becomes & the deeper I sink. Maybe it's just a case of "Cabin Fever" or the mid winter blahs, I don't know. It's just that the same thing everyday is eating away at me. Maybe I just need to get out & do more with myself.

The time is 151....

Or should I say time for 151? Last week was a tough week @ work. My supervisor ran the forklift into the wall in the warehouse - leaving a huge hole in the new building. He thought for sure he'd be fired, but he wasn't. I was a little let down, since I figured when he left I'd be right behind him - leaving no one full-time in our department. I still continue to look for new work opportunities, I need something with cheaper health benefits & hopefully closer to home.

My depression has gotten better since New Year's Eve & the holidays are over. I guess the next mountain I have to climb is Valentine's Day. I'm out of vicodin, but I can always find something to help me self-medicate with.

Bailing Out?

With all the stress of things @ work and everything else going on, it's all finally starting to take its toll on me. Yesterday all I did was sleep and watch a few movies, and today I woke up aching and tired. My eyes feel like they've been replaced by hot coals and they burn like fire. If I had the strength and willpower right now I'd just load up my car and head back to Las Vegas. But I'd never make it past maybe Pittsburgh right now with how I'm feeling. I'm tired and just flat out worn out, and am ready to check out of here. I haven't felt this level of stress in a long time, and I'm glad I haven't.

One vicodin left!

I should really get all my teeth pulled just to get the vicodin. I had my 2nd to last one last night - I ended up chewing it up so it would kick in faster, & it worked. I'm going to miss the vicodin, but sleeping pills are still legal and I can get as many of them as I want. And if the point comes where they don't work as well as they used to, I can just do shots of 151. Physical pain can be remidied permamnently, but emotional pain can only be erased for short periods. But after doing it all these years, I have become somewhat of an expert on making short term relief longer term.

Beer + Vicodin + Sleeping Pills = Euphoria

Tonight is the most content I've been in ages, I'm euphoric even! My work life has gone into the crapper, my personal life is me living like a hermit, and there's not much more looking good. Las Vegas keeps crying my name, and I keep listening. But maybe my isolation is a good thing, since anyone who gives a damn about me can't really see the ugliness I live in. And the other just choose to refuse the reality of what my life has become - including most of my family.

But it is what it is - and I made it so, and I accept all responsibility for what I've done. No none is my scapegoat - I own up to it all. But one thing I have decided is to go back to my 2nd family - my motorcycling family and more specifically my Harley family. They accept me for all my faults - warts and all, just as some of my family does. The only other person that has shown my unconditional acceptance in my 40 years is Tina - and God Bless her & her family. She's seen my ups & downs, and has been there through it all. I can't express in words my appreciation for her friendship.

But the vicodin, beers, and pills are taking their toll and I need to wind down before I finally crash for the night.

New Info. from the Boss.

I found out some bad news from the boss yesterday, and that's leading me to worry even more now. It turns out the last time the department was short handed, he got a write up because the dept. was unable to keep up with the workload. That's not good news considering the boss is already on the edge and ready to walk out at any minute, and the fact that we're at least a week behind as far as being caught up is concerned.

I'd better get some solid plans together, & quick. This house of card could collapse at any second & I need to be rady to move when the time rolls around. As the old saying goes, "Most people don't plan to fail - they fail to plan."

Vegas, coming soon.

Well, I'm starting to make real plans for returning to Vegas. I had a talk with my boss, and he's also looking for a new job. We're both tired and worn out - period. And if he's leaving, then I don't want to work for anyone else.

As I was watching "Intervention" on TV tonight, I realized one thing - Interventions are blackmail. "If you don't do this, then I'm taking this away from you." You know what - I don't care. My family overlooks what I do, and my work isn't bothered by it. No intervention in my life is going to save me - I refuse to rehab.

So let me go my way, that's all I ask. I don't think that's too much for someone to deal with. My job has worn me down, my depression isn't all that bad, and I hink make it yet again in Vegas. Well, thr beer & pills are kicking in....it's time for bed - and the only peace I get all day.

Vegas Calling?

Things at work are getting pretty dismal. Bobby was supposed to come in to work today, but called in and said he had to go to court. But before hanging up, he said he'd be in at 10. So around 11 he calls and says he doesn't know when he'll be in - he never showed up. So our management waited for Bobby to come up, but the only thing he - he dosen't come in when he's scheduled. So we;re back to ground zero - just John and I in a a department that needs 3 people to keep up with the workload.

I actually looked at John this afternoon and said "You know, if I had all the money I needed right now I'd just leave - pack the car and go to Vegas." So a return to Vegas may be imminent, but not immediate. I'm looking to finish out January at work and then go back to Vegas. Yeah, Vegas was a tough haul, but my God was it fun!!! The city where anything goes, and better yet - goes untold.

So keep the lights on Las Vegas, it's only a matter of time until I bask in your light once again.

Work Malaise...

Saturday was a good day @ work - we got one of our former employees back, Bobby. Bobby was gone for about a month & a half, and we all really missed him. Not only is he a damn hard worker, but he's a genuinely nice guy and a total gentleman. Yeah, he's nothing like me at all. Before Bobby left, we always exchanged the same greeting each morning - "What it do?" Yeah, a simple saying - but it's all in the way he said it that made it funny. I missed that few simple seconds of my day because it always made me laugh.

But even with Bobby back for 16 hours a week, I doubt we'll be able to get out from under the mountain of work we've accumulated over the past few months. So I'll continue to look for work elsewhere - both here in PA & back in Las Vegas. From what I hear, things in Vegas haven't been good as casino employees have been laid off, & plans for new construction have been put off.

But no matter how hard things have been since 2002, I always seem to land on my feet somehow. My grandma lived to be 98 - I guess I do have a lot of her in me.

Amusing...

I love it when people send me comments "Anonymously". I love it even more when people tell me why I do what I do and then proceed to pass further judgment. But at 40, I learned that that other people think really doesn't matter. I'm sure these same judgmental people have skeletons in their closet that I personally could care less to comment on, much less judge them on. This blog was written primarily for me to have written record of events - period. It wasn't meant to give people the freedom to knock me down at will whenever they feel it necessary. If you don't like what I write - then don't friggin' read it. Don't click the bookmark, don't visit the blog...just don't. I think Pantera had it right:

"Be yourself, by yourself
Stay away from me"

Cutting Weight.

It's a new year and changes are going to be made. Since high school, most of my friends are no longer that - friends. Some just lost interest, and others don't want to watch me continue down the path I'm on. I have to face facts, if I knew someone who was terminally ill - I might have to back out myself. I wouldn't want to watch them decline and then finally pass on. That's not how I would want to remember them, and it would be too painful anyway. So I understand why some of them have chosen to not be friends anymore.

But I'll think about them from time to time, but there won't be anymore text messaging or emails asking them to meet me for dinner. Besides, I spend a lot of time @ work and the people there generally like me. My supervisor is a great guy and a good friend, our V.P. is the same - great guy and someone I can go to with anything. The people @ work aren't just friends, they're my family.


And since most of my family if 250 miles away, it's a blessing for me to have them in my life. Not many people can say that about the people they work with. So to those of you that have decided to keep your distance - that's fine. Thank you for at some point being a friend. It's not that I don't care anymore, it's just that I have have the energy to spend thinking about someone who no longer thinks about me. I've tried contacting former friends to no avail, and I just refuse to do it anymore. But even if they didn't contact me back, I hope something I've written, texted, or said, took hold. That's all I can ask in the end, to leave some sort of mark with my former friends - hopefully not all scars.