Seven Pounds.

I just finished watching the Will Smith movie "Seven Pounds". It's about a man who's trying to deal with the sudden loss of his wife in a traffic accident, but finds himself in the struggle of his life. For me, it hit home just a little too hard. It brought back a lot of memories - good and bad. Maybe it's true - some wounds never heal, they just leave a huge scar on your heart & mind. And with a month & half left until I leave for Vegas, it makes me feel like I had one wish that could be granted. And if I had that wish, it would be to see Michele one last time, if only for a few minutes.

LIghts, camera,.....pack?

Well, it's about a month & a half until I depart for Las Vegas. That's leaves me in a conundrum of sorts. That being what to keep & pack up & what to throw away. I've always hated moving for the most part, but in the last 7+ years I've gotten pretty adept at it. But as good as I've gotten at it, I still hate the process. So this morning I'm going to get some boxes from the state liquor store and start packing. I need some gin anyway, so it's not just a 1 dimensional trip.

The fact is, I can't take a whole lot since I'll be needing the back seat of my car to sleep on for a while. But after you've already stripped your life down to the bare essentials you know what's important and what's not. Being homeless on the streets of Las Vegas & Myrtle Beach taught me a lot. I've learned a lot from therapy and just scraping by on my own instincts. It's amazing what you discover from having nothing. Things like Ipods, tv's, and other "wants" become useless when you're just trying to find something to eat.

Back in '73.

This is a picture of me & my oldest niece back in 1973. It's funny, but I was wearing my dad's boots - I loved those things! I was actually kinda a cute kid - WTF happened? Then there was 4th grade when the girls liked me for some reason. Now, the women are gone and I'm done with dating. If I can't be with who I want/need to be with, I'll be by myself - with a bottle in hand to kill the pain.

Back in PA.

So my trip to Ohio is now over. I spent Friday night with my parents, Saturday my brother,his wife, my nephew, my 2 nieces, and my two great nephews came over. It was a full house, to say the least. But I enjoyed it. It was the first time I've seen my niece since her divorce proceedings, on which I gave her congrats. It was a good night. Sunday, my brother and his family came over again and Monday my niece brought my 1 & 1/2 year old great nephew over. I got to play with him for a while - it brought back memories. Michele's daughter was only a years older than he is and it just brought back a flood of memories. So it was bittersweet to say the least.

In the course of the weekend I never dropped the "Las Vegas Bomb" on my family. My dad was having chest pains and I was afraid of telling him I was going back to Las Vegas. So I'm thinking about going back to Ohio for the 4th of July and telling them then. That is, if my Dad's health is better by then. But they're going to have to find out sometime, the time is coming soon.

But it was a good 3 days - very relaxing. But as I drove away from my parent's house, watching my oldest sister & parents wave goodbye - I felt that same old feeling. With my parents both turning 80 in the next few years, how many more visits would I have before one of them was gone. It's something I just don't want to dwell on.

Ohio.

So here I am, back in Ohio visiting my family. I know at some point the subject of Las Vegas has to come up in coversation. I know my Dad will be heartbroken, but it's something I have to do. That city has a pull on me that no other has had - period. I guess I'll have to find a way to slip it in somehow, some way.

On the positive side, I got my Dad's new computer up & running for him. At least I can do little things to make his life easier. But I'll leave here concerned for his health. Between his diabetes, 5 heart attacks, deteriorating vision, and other health problems, it gives me more than a little cause for concern. It's hard to watch a parent in their twilight years in such a decline.

And God alone knows how much I dread getting a phone call that the worst has happened. So this Memorial Day weekend, be safe, enjoy time with your friends and family, and take a moment to remember those who gave all.

The Deadline.

Today is the day I have to make my intentions known to my landlord, and they're not going to like it. After a lot of thought, and a meeting with my supervisors, I have decided to go back to Las Vegas. It's strange, every time I left PA these last 7+ years I thought I was homesick. And maybe I was. But I really miss Vegas, with all it's hedonistic values and 24/7/365 "party it up" lifestyle. The difficult part in all this will be telling my family next weekend what my plans are. But tonight I'm going to let the gin & tonics flow as free as the Mississippi River - the party starts @ 6:30 and runs all weekend. I love ya Las Vegas!

The Picture becomes clearer?

So my supervisor comes back home today after 4 days in Florida to see his mom & step-dad. He's told me before that if his marriages falls through that he would move to Florida to be nearer to his mom. And this morning he mentioned it again, this time with more serious intent. To put it bluntly, his marriage sucks. His wife has her head in the clouds and her feet way off the ground. He married her to appease her - not a good idea. So this fits in to my decision to/not to move back to Las Vegas. If he's pretty sure he's going to move, then so am I. I took my job because he seemed like a great guy during my interview and he is. He's more of a buddy than a boss. So now I even have more to think about in the next few days. I only have until Friday @ 6PM to get something to my landlord saying I'm leaving.

Home Decor.

Some people go to great lengths to decorate their homes, not me. I don't exactly recycle, but I do use some used items to decorate.

Day of (In)decision.

My lease expires on my apartment on July 15th. Therefore, I must give them written notice of my intentions by next Friday - no later. Right now my heart says stay - 110%, but the rational side of me says go. Go back home, to the place I call "The Devil's Playground" - Las Vegas. And after all, what friends I had here are now gone, and they have their own lives to live with no space left for me. My sister lives locally, but I hardly ever see her. There's pull in both directions, but which will win out? Maybe things will become clearer after several gin & tonics - I can only hope.

And to all you Moms out there - Have a happy Mother's Day!

Pivot Points.

Maybe it's just me getting older, but I'm getting more & more introspective. This morning I woke up & my mind leaped into gear and I pondered life's little "pivot points".

According to one online dictionary, pivot is described as follows:

"A person, thing, or factor having a major or central role, function, or effect."

So here's what I came up with as a few crucial pivot points in my life:

Michele:
16 years later I can still tell you exactly what she was wearing the first time I noticed her. She was a goddess on earth - God's perfect woman. She brought out some of my best qualities, even when I was such an asshole. Being with her changed me, being without her has changed me a million times more. Nothing in life ever prepared me for losing her & her family. The asshole I was died the second I walked out her door for the last time. And even though there have been women since her, none of them can even come close to what she is to me. Her loss was my own personal version of Armageddon.

The therapy years:
A direct result of the above. When my world collapsed and I hit rock bottom at the speed of light, I knew I had to get help. Therapy forced me into dealing with the crap I'd been dealing with for years. Kirk Hammett said "They crack you open like an egg", and he was right. It wasn't fun, but it definitely worked.

9/11:
The horror & tragedy of that day is still fresh, even after almost 8 years. After that, I knew life would never been the same.