Never Say Never...

I get to eat my words now folks, and I have my fork @ the ready. For all the insisting that I wouldn't go back east, I was wrong. I have indeed decided to go back to Pennsylvania, but when isn't clear yet. At the very latest I'll be back in state by Good Friday - maybe earlier. I'll be 40 this year and you'd think I was sensible enough to realize that "Home is where the heart is" isn't just a saying - it's a fact. Not only that, but I have to go back and rebuild my life and then build on top of that. I made so much progress since 2002 then I let it slip through my fingers.

I'll miss Vegas though, it really is a playground for adults only. I'll miss hanging out in front of "The Little White Wedding Chapel" and guessing which newlyweds would make it and which won't. I made it a spectator sport in a way - complete with drink in hand and cigar in mouth. It reminds me of bowling actually. Hey, you have to do something when you're bored, right? I think it's great that marriage is still growing strong, at least I can live that aspect of life vicariously through others. I have no problem with marriage mind you, but there's only one woman I'd marry and she's long gone.

Right now I can't wait to get home, I just hope I can do it sooner than this March.

Meeting Jesus/Going Away

This is going to be tough, but I have to do it. Some people may wonder why I have sympathy for Britney Spears, the reason is that I suffer from depression/anxiety - which I believe has has as well. And since I took myself off my meds I have continuously fallen down into an ever deepening pit, it's like falling down a well trying to grab on to something, but getting nothing. I'm not writing this for sympathy, instead it's meant to be a warning for others, and to be something that (if I live long enough) I can look back on and be proud I made it through.

For all of you that are tired of hearing about Michele, you may want to stop here - but I have to let it out. Truth be told, if I'd have listened to Michele when we were together, we'd still be together right now. She begged & pleaded with me to get help, but I refused. My refusal led to me loosing her, her daughter, and her family. It hurts to lose the one truest love you've ever known, then to lose a child you took as your own is just the begginning of a pain that goes without description. And I've had to endure the guilt of knowing if I'd have listened that things would be much different for me, much less the guilt of having let down & hurt a child like that.

I spent 24 hours in a motel here in Vegas yesterday, I simply couldn't roam the streets anymore. I laid in bed and just cried. Cried for what could've been, cried for Michele, cried for my friends back home, cried for the mess that things are, cried for the things I never got say to Michele, and cried for home. There was nothing I wouldn't have done to get back home - nothing.

The sad fact is that things were starting to change a little bit. I got to see Tina, which was double edged. Tina was my biggest supporter for years, there was no one I could have counted on more. But seeing her was always a bit tough due to the fact that she & Michele were best friends at one time. Then when she gave me news about Michele that I didn't want to hear, it felt as if all the blood in my body went right to my feet. I'll never forget that feeling until the day I die. I told her being there drinking with her was making me think about staying - it did. But right then and there I felt as if I had no option.

My roommate & I weren't getting along so I agreed to leave on my own. I could've gotten something else lined up, but due to the newly disclosed news - I just didn't look. The reason I was back there was to see Michele, nothing more - nothing less, and now that was never going to happen. The news not only took the wind out of my sails, but it destroyed the ship as well.

Then there was meeting Kevin, the guy I went to high school with who was just like my brother. Kevin & I hadn't sen each other in 10+ years, but we decided to get together for a few drinks and just talk. It was great, like no time had passed at all. The same references were still there, the same sense of humor - I really enjoyed seeing him again. And the whole crappy part of it is that there could've been more nights out every now & then, but I left. Again - guilt.

So I've spent the past month basically as a professional vagabond. All I do is roam around town all day looking for work, then hitting the bars at night. I have nowhere to call home as home is whatever casino I'm in at the time. I do have my phone however, but most of the time it's off as I hate unsolicited calls. I am truely a man without a country.

I must admit that my depression is as bad as it was the day I tried to kill myself - March 12th 2004, my parent's anniversary. I don't know exactly how many sleeping pills I took, but I know it was over 20. I took 2 handfulls as I figured that would be enough - I was wrong. To this day I avoid weddings and anniversaries as all they do is fuel my guilt compex. It's not that I'm unhappy about seeing people in love, it just hurts because I know what could've been. And in the end I'm to blame for it all.

So having said that, if there are any of you that have my email address - feel free to drop me an email. I have no short term plans on posting here anymore, so the only real way to contact me is by email. I need time to decide what's next for me. Do I leave Vegas and go elsewhere or do I stay here until the end? I just don't know. It's been a long almost 6 years, and I guess it really speaks to what a special person Michele as I just can't get here out of my head or my heart.

God Bless....

The Dam(ned) trip

I didn't go to the Hoover dam yesterday, instead I got a refund. The weather was rainy so I decided to go tomorrow instead, it's supposed to be sunny tomorrow. I got my cell phone in my P.O. Box today, so I guess I should expect calls any time now. The bad part is my parents set it up to work where they live, not in Nevada. So whatever call I make or get is billed at a double rate. Oh well, it just means my minutes will expire faster.

I got an email from my sister saying I was a great uncle again. So congrats to my niece Katie and her husband Brian on the birth of the son Westin - their first 6 child on December 15th! I also got a picture emailed to me too:

In a Cell

I got an email from my parents last week asking me to get a P.O. Box so they could send me a pre-paid cell phone. I have the P.O. Box, but no phone yet - which is good. I figure it's only a ploy so they can call me every 5 minutes and see what I'm up to. However, I do like cell phones overall. You can turn them off when you want to & not have to take calls, which is cool. And it is pre-paid. I don't know how many minutes they bought, but when they run out I figure I'll throw the phone into Lake Las Vegas.

Tomorrow is a red letter day. Despite my ever dwindling supply of cash, I booked myself on a bus trip to the Hoover Dam. It's only about 30 minutes away, so I figured I splurge and do something nice for myself. After a month of constantly running around town 24 hours a day trying to survive I figured I owe it to myself to genuinely relax for a few hours.

Anyway, here's more of my pics of the Venetian:

Ironic

It's sadly ironic after my somewhat "tongue in cheek" remarks yesterday that the events of last night happened in Britney Spear's life. In all honesty, I do feel bad for her, but worse for the kids. I think her failed marriage sent her off the edge, where she was emotionally/physically able to handle things. And it's really pissing me off that people call her crazy. Why? Let me explain.

I may be the only one on earth who doesn't think she's crazy, so be it. I had my own nervous breakdown in 2002 after Michele & I split. And even though she wasn't biologically mine - I lost her daughter too. I can only imagine what the affect of being separated from your child is like for a biological mother, much less biological father. But in this case the kids are better off not being in her care. I instead, what she had was a mental breakdown - as defined here by the Mayo Clinic.

So I wish her the best, hopefully she can come to terms with her inner demons and get back to being the old Britney who was much more together.

Now, here are some photos I took @ the Venetian here in Las Vegas: - Enjoy!

I Like Britney Spears!

Yes, you read right, this 80's metalhead like Britney. I don't like her because I think she's hot or I like her music - oh no. I like her because she's more self destructive than even I am. Let's face it, not only is she going to take herself down, she's taking everyone with her. A lot of people aren't big on "K-Fed", but I have to hand it to him. He's kept a low profile, unlike Brit who's become a full-out publicity driven train wreck. So here's to you Brit! I'll have one for you tonight, and you can have 6 for me - fair 'nuff?

Now What?

It's been over a month since I left back east and I'm running out of cash. Part of me wants to go back, but another, larger part of me wants to stay in Vegas and ride the wave out - whether I make it to shore or wipe out in the process. Going back east would be just that - going back. I'd get there and just get heartsick over Michele and want to leave again eventually. There's really nothing there for me anymore anyway. I have a few friends back there, but the have kids and are married or just have kids. I didn't see them very often anyway when I was there. Besides, I have no place to live. At least here I can manage by doing the casino circuit overnight then going to the YMCA to shower in the morning. I mean, here in Vegas - who really needs a home? You can pretty much be homeless and no one knows.

There hasn't been anyone yet that's asked me if I'm homeless. I pass the same cops every morning and say hi and exchange pleasantries. They have no idea I'm no better than the wino who sleeps in the doorways at night to keep warm. Then again when I left back east I was determined to let no one know I was homeless. It's weird. I remember seeing something on 60 minutes years ago about this woman who was living in her car. She kept clean and wore nice clothes and nobody had a clue she was homeless.

She kept her dignity, that's an admirable trait. The question is, how much longer can I keep shreds of dignity I have left intact?

Buried

Last night was painful, very painful. I grabbed a few bottles and headed for the outskirts of Vegas - I just wanted to get away from all the revelry. Before I started walking, I scribbled the two letter state abbreviation from my old state back east on a piece of paper and put it in my pocket. I got far enough away from town and sat down and started drinking, trying not to recall 6 years ago. I started digging in the sand and when I'd gotten deep enough I put the piece of paper in. I was, for all intents & purposes, burying my past. If only it were so easy.

The nights here in Vegas can get cold, so I finished my bottles and headed back to town. Unfortunately for me I didn't have a watch on, otherwise I would've stayed where I was. I made it back to the outskirts before midnight and I saw the fireworks go off. As loaded as I was, I still knew what was happening and what time it was. I couldn't help but drop to my knees in the sand. If it would've been concrete I probably would've broken both kneecaps.

I wailed like a new born for a few minutes and managed to find my feet. And for as numb as I thought I was, the pain was still there. It's hell living a nightmare when you're wide awake - much less asleep. There's no escape 24 hours a day, and no rest.

I made no resolutions this year. There's simply no point. The only thing I can hope for this year is that I won't be around to repeat the same process next New Year's Eve.