Getting Sober...Facing Reality

It happened all again last night and reality has slapped me in the face - **hard**. I am going to make every honest effort to clean myself up, I can't do this anymore. Physically, spiritually, and emotionally - my drinking days are over. I need to start seeking out my friends/family more and get away from this isolation. The loneliness kills me, but I only have myself to blame. So from this point forward, I'm determined to turn things around - period.

Sign of Things to Come?

Just when I thought things couldn't get worse, they have. Last night after downing 4 shots of vodka, I threw up blood. It makes me wonder what's next...

Falling Apart

I don't know what it is lately, but I'm noticing things changing. For instance, before I even get out of bed in the morning my liver feels like it's burning up. I get a sharp, stabbing pain and a burning sensation. Then my anxiety kicks in until about mid-morning, and I've never had that happen until recently. And to top it all off I'm getting nauseous and feel like I want to throw up. Fortunately, I have a doctor appointment next week and I'm thinking about asking him about my possibly applying for disability benefits. All I can do at this point is try to get myself calmed down and make it through the day.

Weary...

It was an ok weekend as far as things go, but I'm worn out. As much as I tried to not think about Michele, it just didn't work. But one this is perfectly clear to me now - it's taken me almost 7 years to get to where she was in 2002. I understand now how she felt when I left, and why she felt that way. I hate being home because the silence is deafening. I remember hearing Brit's giggle, and Michele's voice, but that now has been replaced by silence.

What I'd give for 10 minutes of her time now......

Wasted Weekeend

And that's exactly how I'm going to spend it.....wasted. I stopped by the state store this morning and procured another bottle of vodka and some sour apple schnapps. Not to mention the weather is crappy & rainy and I have a few movies I can indulge myself in that I haven't watched yet. This is going to be a fun weekend, I just hope I can remember it when it's over.

An Apology....

I must apologize for my last post. I guess it proves how dependent I am on my meds. When I made that last post, I was off my Pristiq for 4 days - and man did it show. I can't let that happen again, I've come too far to even entertain the idea of regressing back to 7 years ago. I mean sure, I have my "down times" like most people, but that's the point - it's no worse than what most people go through. It's not like the bottomless pit of hoplessness I ince had. Thank God for therapy & medications!

Hell is Where I reside....

I went to work, had a massive anxiety attack, then came home. My depression is horrible - I want to die. Maybe I'll fall asleep and I'll have a fatal stroke if I'm lucky. If not, maybe I'll just take matters into my own hands again. I can't go on like his anymore - the pain is just too great.

Depressed....

No, I don't think it has anything to do with me turning 40. There are certain times of the year when I tend to evaluate my life, and right now I must say I'm not happy. In fact I'm damned depressed. The possibility of me winding up in a fetal position in bed in the next few days bawling my eyes out is a distinct possibility. I found out that my health benefits are work are rediculously priced at $73 every 2 weeks, and that's not counting dental benefits. Then of course there's the fact that Michele has all but dissappeared, and top that off with a dozen other things I've never mentioned here.

Physically I feel dizzy - like I could fall over at any moment. It just feels as if my heart is going to stop at any time. But I have to pull it together, I can't let them see me lost it at work. I need this job, at least until the end of the month - then we'll see what happens.

Dark Days Ahead.....

I just got back from "Legends" and I was almost in tears. When I left, I said a few things to Tina and came home, knowng I'd face the next 48 hours alone. Right now I'm fighting back the tears, trying to make sense of it all. The end result is that I'll probaby pass out for a few hours, wake up & then hit the vodka until I can stand no more. My only comfort is that I can still spend my b-day with "My family". I still have the video of Michele & her daughter which I can watch - I I can only thank God I have that. It's the small things in life that mean so much, even though Michele hated being taped. Most women that beautiful would have jumped on the opportunity to be taped, but not her. And that's what sets her apart from every other woman on the planet + a million other things.

Tough, Gettting Tougher....

We got dumped on @ work yesterday - I mean **really** dumped on. That means I've got to spend the rest of the week trying to play catch up. Meanwhile, I'm trying to formulate some plans to stay busy this coming weekend, and so far I've got nothing. The topught os spending a 7th b-day without the people I want to spend it with more than anyone else is starting to gnaw at me. When I'm @ home, it's alll I think about, and it's slowly driving me crazy.

The Enf of Gaming...

I got home from work yesterday, anxious to play a little Guitar Hero only to find my XBox dead. Although I tried several times to restart it, I continued to get the "3 rings of death". At first I was a little upset, but then I just accepted it and put it away. Years ago this would have upset me for days, but now I just figure it happened for a reason and life goes on.

I've been through **far worse** in life than a non working XBox, so this little occurrence was nothing more than a temporary setback. I think my video gaming days are behind me now. After all, I will be 40 in a week and I think it's past time I put my gaming days behind me to pursue other things.

The Weekend.

My weekend was pretty much a throw-away. Saturday I ventured out to the bar for 5 hours, which I'd normally look forward to - but it was a bust. I pretty much stayed lit the rest of the day & that was that. Other than my short stint playing Guitar Hero II, the best thing I did all weekend was clean my apt - no more, no less.

Now it's back to work and we'll be down a man almost all week, then next Sat. my boss is getting married and will be off all next week and we'll be down 2 people all week. Overall, I really like my job - but this is one b-day present I didn't want.

Pray.....

For my soul. As I write this, my will to live is diminshing by the second. Suicidal thoughts invade my mind, along with the many mistakes I have made through the years. I have turned friend into foe, lover and best friend into someone that hates me, and life into nothing more than a cycle of working, getting wasted, and back again. Life is quickly losing it's value....so I ask you to pray for my soul - that it winds up in someplace good. That the Almighty God can realize I tried so hard to get it all right in my last years. But also can realize that the one he intended for me to keep I let go, and for that I need to be punished. May God have mercy on me.....

Pimpin' the Family Biz

My newphew and his wife have opened the new business - Small Planet Comics in their hometown of Youngstown Ohio. My newphew has always been a comics junkie and a Star Wars fan as well. They also carry collectible swords and a lot of other cool stuff, so check out their web site!

Yesterday was another red letter day for me. I started drinking at 10:30 in the morning and kept going on and off all day long. Then I played some "Guitar Hero II" and finally crashed, but I have no idea of when.

The Difference

As I was sitting @ the bar at ABC yesterday a well dressed man in a business suit came and sat a few stools down. Shortly afterwards, a female friend of his came and sat down next to him. As they talked, he mentioned a meeting he had attended and how much his presentation at this meeting had won over the crowd.

And it was at that moment that I realized just how different my values were than his. He desires the adoration of many, where I desire the acceptance of a few - and the love of only one. He desires notoriety, where I desire anonimity. He desires being judged by the words he speaks, whereas I desire being judged by my actions.

Years ago I may have held all this against him, but not now. "Live & let live"', as they say I guess. I guess being "normal" just isn't my thing - at least not any more. I discovered music at an early age, and have pretty much lived the rock 'n' roll lifestyle since my teen years. But I'm proud of that - I've stayed true to what really matters.

And it's no different than how I feel about a certain person and her daughter/family. She showed me what really matters, and back then I was too blind to see it. But facing 40 with both eyes wide open I can stand strong knowing that my feelings about her will never change. That's why I have the tattoo of her & her daughter's name on my left arm.

People thought I was crazy to get the tattoo after we broke up. But I believe that if you get a tattoo, get something that will never change. And yes, it sucks being alone....but being with anyone else other than her sucks worse.

Some people stand on sand, others on stone. I'd rather stand on stone - and that's the difference. And the diffeence between now & 7 years ago is huge, and I must say that being different is just too cool.

Midweek,Time for ABC!

It's that time of week again! When quitting time gets here @ 4:30 this afternoon I'm off to Appalachian Brewing Company for a few beers. Not that it's been a tougher week than normal, I just need to blow off some steam.